I Love You Twelve

Happiness is a decision. It’s a decision I have decided to make. Whether that means it will take some time getting to or not, I refuse to be stuck in this madness of blah. You know, things aren’t going that great for me at all at the moment. But something happened on the inside of me the past few days. I’m not entirely sure why. It may have had to do with some big events that took place (one of which was stupid and made me really angry), but as I was walking today and the wind blew, I felt this overwhelming peace. It came and went, but I still felt it.

“Mom, did you pray hard for me today?”

“Yes I did.”

I proceeded in asking Bekah and Abrahm the same question. The answer being yes. And my response being, I knew it. I felt it.

(Huge thanks to them and for anyone else who may have said a prayer for me this week. Because…I was kind of not okay about some stuff. Ha.)

I’m practically unemployed at the moment.

You know. The economy and such. This being the reason I have been working in Fantasyland like a loon.

I’m pretty sure there will be people out there that are thinking, “You never should have left your other job to work as a nanny. You’re stupid.”

But the honest truth is, I don’t think it would have mattered. I honestly and wholeheartedly believe that even if I hadn’t quit that job to work as a nanny…I would still have quit that job anyways. I would still be in this position one way or another. I wasn’t happy there. There was no growth. I learned a lot and it’s honestly a huge help to me now, but it wasn’t where I was supposed to be anymore. That season ended fast.

I know it might sound stupid or immature. I know it does, actually. However, I promised myself as a kid that if I ever hated what I was doing with my life, I would change it. Why? Because life is way too short to be miserable in a job that you have to do. I have always tried my hardest to do the best wherever God places me. I remain true to that as best as I can. Sure sometimes it might take awhile to change, but I still work on changing it.

I have enjoyed working with Shannon’s children. They have been fantastic and I’m sad I won’t have as many stories about them to share anymore because I am not there on a normal basis.

Needless to say, I have a ton of free time at the moment. I kind of just sit in my room and I’m kind of like…well this is boring.

I have a very deep hatred for not working. I am not a lazy person. I pretty much lose my mind if I’m not working. (How can anyone be content being unemployed…I don’t understand.) Another reason for picking up crazy shifts at Disney. I can’t stand sitting around doing nothing. I am so thankful to have that to fall back on. It’s kind of like I’m unemployed but I’m not exactly. It’s funny, because every time I contemplate leaving Florida, something happens and it’s like Disney calls me back. I wasn’t all that thrilled at first.

But something the past week completely changed my perspective. I can’t pinpoint the exact thing, but there were some events that just changed a lot.

I fell asleep on Thursday in a panic about all of this. I woke up from that nap feeling different about the job situation.

My thing is…God has always taken care of me. He’s not just going to forget about me now. Yes, it’s more likely than not a huge problem. However, in every instance in my life God has never abandoned me. (The Prime Example: I almost died when I was born. I should have died when I was born. I am still here.) Pretty sure the God of the universe looks at my “huge” problem as, “Pssh that’s really nothing.” And I’m pretty positive I trust Him. He knows what He’s doing. I don’t. But He does. Kind of makes things a little more exciting.

I’ve mentioned this before: I worked for Donatos Pizza briefly in 2008. Worst job I have ever had. I’m rather positive it will be the worst one I will ever have the rest of my lifetime. I literally felt like I was walking into hell every day. I worked with these extremely crazy guys and I was the only girl there. (Sidenote: I’m scared of knives. Guess who they put on the cutting table because they knew this? Me.) They tried everything to get me to leave. I was given so many crappy jobs because they all basically had a bet going on as to how long I would last. Lots of awkwardness. Lots of me rolling my eyes. They didn’t think I could do it. People don’t exactly take me seriously, which is obnoxious. It’s mostly those people who are stuck up and I’ve learned to deal with that. But I’m extremely stubborn. Extremely. I stuck it out until the day they went out of business. Because I just knew something was going to happen. I had faith.

And then I was in job limbo for a couple months before I got full time in Fantasyland at Disney. That was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

My mom says sometimes that I’m “stupid-stubborn”. It’s true. But, I really think that I was given just the right amount of stupid-stubborn. Mostly. I have my moments. :)

It doesn’t matter how hard I fall. I always pick myself up. And I’m always stronger afterwards. I also always walk away with a really incredible story.

I reevaluated events and choices I have made in my life. I’m so thankful that I can say that I don’t regret anything except a really minor answer to a yes or no question…that wouldn’t have changed the course of anything if I had answered differently. I’m confident of that, which is why I am able to share that. And the only reason I regret that is because I missed out on a really special moment. But I can live with that.

That’s the place I’m at right now. I’m kind of past the place where I’m constantly saying, “What am I supposed to learn from this because I don’t get it?!” Except about one situation. But that’s kind of a nevermind sort of thing right now.

I’m also passed the pity party place. You may all rejoice.

I’m not completely feeling better, because there are some things that are bugging me a lot, but from the place I was at a week or so ago– there’s a big difference in how I am feeling.

There has been an extreme lack of crying on my part though. This is odd. I used to be the girl that cried about everything. I’ll tear up at the most random of times because I get overwhelmed, but I don’t cry. No one notices though, really. It mostly happens in my car. Or when the wind is insane and in my eyes so it looks like they are only tearing up because of the wind. You know. Whatever.

I’m a big supporter of crying. It relieves stress. And I don’t find it weak at all. Just saying. It kind of annoys me that I can’t cry, haha. I feel like the girl in The Holiday or something. I just want to bawl, dangit!

But maybe I’m just saving those tears for happy ones. :)

I was really upset last night about a different situation. I was talking to Abrahm. I don’t know how many times I said, “I don’t know what to do.”

And then he said the simplest, but most profound thing ever.

“But. Maybe. You’re not supposed to do anything. Maybe. You’re just supposed to wait it out.”

I have a really smart little brother.

And since I have so much time to reflect on my life. There are many people and many things that make everything worth while.

+ Bekah is still the best friend I could ever ask for.
+ Andrew still gives the best hugs in the entire world.
+ My mom is still my rock.
+ My nephew is still awesome.
+ Alysse is still a great inspiration to me.
+ Rufo is still my big brother.
+ Abrahm is still my freakishly-identical-personality-must-be-related-somehow little brother.
+ I am still moving out in April. Walk by faith. Not by sight.
+ I am still getting a kitten.
+ I am still getting a laptop so I can start really focusing on Strings.
+ How I Met Your Mother is still on Netflix.
+ I still get into Disney World for free.
+ Keith still writes to me and it makes me smile every single time.
+ Janice is still a very large part of my sanity.
+ Tyler Ward still sings.
+ Kate still blogs and we still exchange comments and emails.
+ And it’s still cold in Florida.

P.S. I’m starting to understand why it’s my year of boldness. I might not have a lot to show for it now…but just wait..because what I have experienced so far, was hilarious.

P.P.S. Photos found on Tumblr.