I Love You Twelve

Massive blog entry.

The serious.

one)  I’m struggling. I’ve been an absolute mess the past week. I don’t even know how to explain it. I wish I did, but I can’t. Because, truth is, no matter how depressed I get…there’s always this part of me that just hangs on to hope. And I have to tell you, I have been in so much pain that I can barely look people in the eyes. I can barely walk out of my room without crying. Wednesday I was sick to my stomach I was so upset. It’s ridiculous. And I’m not exactly sure why other than I’m just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. It honestly takes a great amount of effort for me to get up out of bed every day. But I do. And I’m thankful that I do. I will continue to do that, despite this battle. I’m stubborn. Very stubborn.

I’ve been really disappointed in a lot of people lately as well. I’ve been feeling quite inferior to everyone…and very forgotten. I feel like no one understands it, either. Because either no one notices or no one takes it seriously. Feeling this way is not just something you can turn off because trust me, if I could, I would in a heartbeat.

I am not okay right now. At all. I’m being open about this because I know God is working on me. I know that I will be able to tell you that He saved me from this. But if I seem like I’m a bit off right now, it’s because I am.

When I was sixteen I went into a crazy depression. It was bad. I was actually talking to my mom about it tonight because I almost feel like I’m heading that way again. It’s stupid. I know this. I know I’m loved. I know that even though things aren’t going at all the way I planned them to right now, that everything will work out. And I know that I will fight with this until it goes away. It helps that I’m aware though, I think. I can work on it and fight harder. I know the tools God has given me to use against it. And that’s what I’m going to do. It will go away.

It will. I don’t know when. But it will.

This is why: Because Jesus is enough.

That has been running through my mind and heart on repeat for the past twenty four hours.

I know a lot of people will probably read this and roll their eyes because it sounds completely corny. But I also know that my faith is my foundation. No matter what I’m going through, there isn’t a moment where I could say to you, “Well God sucks and isn’t going to get me through this at all.” Because every single part of me knows that’s a lie. I can never be hopeless. I get really frustrated with things (just like everyone else) and I get really hurt, but I will never be hopeless. So even when I’m giving myself pep talks to get up and shower and go about my day, I am truly thankful for the hope God instilled in me from a very young age. I’m truly thankful that my heart beats. I’m truly thankful for my mom and for Bekah (even though I hate that they legit feel my pain right now…I’m sorry…I’m working on feeling better, I promise). I’m truly thankful for my job. I’m truly thankful for the people who still talk to me even though I’m a huge mess right now.

And the people who have hurt me and lost me unexpectedly…that sucks for them. It’s strange watching people fade away. I guess that’s part of growing up. Some people are for seasons and some are for life. Either way, I learn something. I guess it’s just hard when you can’t differentiate between the seasonal and the lifetime. I’ve watched a lot of people flip-flop the past month and let me just tell you, it hurts. It feels like betrayal. It’s really not. People grow apart. It’s just hard when you’re not expecting it. It’s even harder when you are expecting it and just don’t know when it’s going to actually happen, but you can’t get away because you love that person and you know they serve a very important purpose in your life. Sometimes I just really hate feeling like I never knew someone to begin with.

There’s a reason though. It’s better for them to fade out. It might not seem like it to me right now, but I know God has His reasons. Eventually it will make sense.

Eventually, I will be better.

two)  I got home from work and went outside to sit and talk to my parents. I needed to massively vent, so I did that.

Then my mom said, “Did you hear that Aaron Carter’s sister died?”

To which I responded with, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, it was in the newspaper. I was confused why you weren’t upset and hadn’t said anything. She’s the one that sang right? The one we met at one of Aaron’s concerts?”

I’m totally still in shock about this. I didn’t even know what to say when she told me. Literally a week and a half ago I found my signed Leslie Carter CD and thought, “I should put this on my iTunes!”

(For new readers…I have a really deep love for the Carter family. Everything about them. Even as dysfunctional as they are, they hold a very special part of my heart that pretty much no one understands except God and myself. So this is a really big deal to me. I mention it from time to time. I am aware I am a weirdo, so just deal. I already put up with being harassed about this as a preteen and teenager, so I’m over caring what anyone thinks when it comes to this.)

I’m really sad about it. I’ve even sadder that I never once saw Aaron, Angel, or Nick’s tweets about it. That I didn’t hear about it until today when this happened on Tuesday…

I even listened to one of Aaron’s songs randomly on Tuesday. What is wrong with me?!

I know most people don’t give a crap about this family and that’s fine. I dont mean that to sound harsh or anything, but I know most people don’t take time to pray for “celebrities”. So I get it. But they’re important to me and if you happen to think about them, please say a prayer for them. And please say a really special one for Leslie’s 10 month old little girl, Allysa.

The not-so-serious.

I probably should have put these in the opposite order…the happy before the sad…oh well.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Emmet and Stormy the past three days. Savannah and Stormy just switched schools and it has taken a little longer to get Stormy switched over, so she has been home in the mornings with Emmet and me. It’s been a ton of fun. I love how I am able to just forget everything when I’m working. It’s a nice break.

I have Stormy quotes and a story. Let’s all just face it now…this will probably be happening a lot. I do have a pretty funny Savannah quote as well. I’ve just been with Stormy literally 30-something hours so far this week.

Stormy.

“Come back here, Birdie! I just want you to land on my finger! I just wanna have your hugs!”

“I wanna be a momma! To a bird!”

“You know. Them adults forget EVERYTHING!“

“At least my legs are growing hair!”

We watched Courageous on Tuesday. I hadn’t seen it yet, but Stormy had. She pretty much told me everything that was going to happen because she can’t not tell me. We both sat there and cried. It’s a really fantastic movie, if you get the chance to watch it you should. It reminded me of a lot of things I needed brought back to perspective about guys and relationships. It’s a pretty awesome movie.

On Wednesday, we watched Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. That movie is pretty intense for being a PG-rated movie. It was hilarious, however, because the first mythological creature that attacks Percy comes out of no where. Stormy jumped so bad that she almost flipped off the couch. She then stood up and said, “OH MY GOSH. THAT SCARED ME SO MUCH. WHAT. THE. HECK.” And being the terrible human being that I am, I couldn’t stop laughing. I asked her if she wanted to watch something else and she said no. I asked her how on earth she was scared of that and not the psycho monkeys in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

“Because them monkeys weren’t scary. If you were them monkeys and people were mean to you, you’d go psycho, too! They were cute monkeys.”

Also, is “ass” not considered a bad word anymore? Because definitely they say it in the movie, like, two or three times. This upset little Miss Storm more than the scary mythological creature.

“I’m a whole five years old but I’m still a little kid and I deserve respect so they shouldn’t say that word in a kids movie.”

And the Savannah quote of the week.