I Love You Twelve

I’m not exactly sure how to start this entry. As I’m typing this, I don’t even have a title picked out. I have no clever saying or tagline or even lyrics for that matter. But I need to write this out…for myself. And I really don’t care if anyone gets anything out of it. For all I know, it might sound like a bunch of mumble jumble. I guess I’m going to just try and do what the photo above says. And there quite possibly may be a part of me that has forgotten that the majority of the most important people in my life are going through this as well. But everyone handles it differently. Everyone handles it much better than I do.  I will be the first to admit to you, that I am currently not dealing well with this at all. I wish I could be all “WOOO!! I’m SINGLE!!!!!!” But it’s just not happening for me right now, ha. I guess that’s why I’ve kind of been awol on here. I’ve just been trying to evaluate situations and figure out what the heck I want in my life. Because I kind of have this giant blank book in front of me for this year and it’s kind of intimidating.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but I started watching How I Met Your Mother. I’ve been watching it on Netflix for a little over a month now. I remember when it first aired on TV and I watched the first two episodes, but I’m pretty bad at watching TV routinely. I can really only keep up with one or two shows at a time or I lose my mind. But I have been feeling extremely down lately and since it has to do with the fact that I am still single, this crazy idea came into my mind that I should start watching this show. Ironically, Alysse randomly decided to start watching this show as well and it has been kind of neat to see the reasons why both of us were drawn to it.

It makes me feel so much better when I have a crappy day or when I’m feeling upset. I stay up most nights to watch it because it just makes my heart feel happy and I feel like I learn a lot. It makes me laugh super hard and I think that’s important, also.

If you have never watched this show, the basic idea is that Ted Mosby wants to get married and have a family. He wants to fall madly in love. He believes in finding that one person. (I know a lot of people will argue that there is just not one person out there that would work, and to that I say: you are correct. There are many people out there that could possibly have potential and may work out. But I am a strong believer that there is one person that God created for you. And only one. You can settle, sure. But why would you want to do that?) Anyways, Ted’s entire thing is that it has to have a story. And everything that happens up to the day he met his wife, had to happen.

And while I don’t agree with a lot of the lifestyles that Ted and his friends live as far as their love life is concerned, I can say that I relate to Ted probably more than any other character. I want to fall madly in love. I want to have a family. I have big dreams and I really want to go somewhere in my life. I want a story. But also like Ted, I’m getting tired of waiting. I’m getting tired of getting heartbroken and watching everyone else get married– including the people who were pretty much racing me to get married. There’s an episode where Ted almost gets married…he almost settles…and Robin calls him out on it. As heartbroken as he was because it ended up not happening, the entire point of the show is for him to tell his story as to why he had to go through the things he did to get where he needed to be. That almost-marriage had to happen and it had to crumble right before.

On New Year’s night, I sat with Alysse at the Polynesian after I had dinner with Felicia. I just needed to talk to her. I’ve been so frustrated with guys that don’t get the clues I’m giving. I’ve been so frustrated with no one ever stepping up. I’ve been so frustrated with people telling me how to go about finding someone or, in my case, admitting feelings. It, honestly, pisses me off. Because I have my standards for a reason. And I shouldn’t have to lower them to get anyone to pay attention to me. As much as it sucks and as much as it feels like there is a knife stabbing me in the heart on a normal basis, I respect myself enough to know that I am not going to be happy if I settle. I just really feel like whoever it is I’m going to end up with, will be able to make a move first. You can criticize me all you want, but I’m stubborn. I’m not going to be happy without a story, because I know that God has been writing it so precisely my entire life.

Alysse told me to look out for the episode “As Fast As She Can”. I finally made it to the end of season four and I had anticipated it the entire time. Most of the episode I was confused and I wasn’t quite understanding why Alysse thought of me when she watched the episode. But then it happened. It completely overwhelmed me and I cried. A lot.

There’s a scene towards the end of the episode where Ted is sitting in the car with his ex-fiance, Stella. I’m not going to tell you what happened to them, because I think you should watch the show. Ted tells her how he just wants to be where everyone else is in their lives. He just wants to meet his wife.

Ted: I keep waiting for it to happen and I guess I’m just so…I’m tired of waiting. And that is all I’m going to say on that subject.

Stella: You know I once talked myself out of a speeding ticket? I was heading upstate to my parents’ house doing, like, 90 on this country road and I got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car, he kinda swaggers on over and he’s like, “Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day.” So I looked up at him and I said, “I’m so sorry, Officer, I got here as fast as I could.”

Ted: For real?

Stella: No, it’s an old joke. I know that you’re tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more, but, she’s on her way, Ted. And she’s getting here as fast as she can.

It hit me so hard and it was so perfect. I pressed the rewind button twice and cried. I even cried as I typed that up. It was something I really needed to hear right now and probably if anyone had said that to me in real life I would have been irritated. The fact that it was on a show…on the episode that I happened to be on tonight…which was a night that I’ve been having a really difficult time with…well, see now how I’m like Ted? I believe in timing. I also believe in God’s perfect timing, which gives me one-up on Ted’s character. That is, when I’m not freaking out about things not going according to plan. You see, another way that I am like Ted is that I have always had this plan mapped out for myself. Such and such would happen at this age. And something else would happen at a different age. It goes on and on. As you can probably guess, nothing has gone at all like I had imagined it. It’s really frustrating, also, when the one thing you have wanted since you were a little girl is being given to about a million of your Facebook friends and every other status is about how awesome their boyfriends and husbands and children and stuff are. The world makes it really hard on someone who has dreamed of that their entire life and hasn’t gotten it yet. Really hard.

And then there is Robin. For the most part, I’m not like her. She’s very career-based and doesn’t want a family. She is, however awkward. Also, she is awful at admitting her feelings about things. I’m so-so. It depends on the situation and how comfortable I am.

Robin: I don’t know. I’m not exactly the biggest confronter of feelings. I mean, clearly there is something between us.

(that’s from the following episode, which I also watched tonight)

Another difference between Robin and I, is that I would never say that third sentence. I may think it and I may try and get you to understand that I have feelings for you. The thing is, I’m crazy. And I have this crazy idea that the guy I will end up with will be able to let me know that, hey, he’s interested and that he won’t make me constantly guess what he’s thinking–whether knowingly or not. Or maybe he would pay attention and realize that I’m dropping hints like crazy because I might really, really, really, really, really like him. You don’t have to remind me how it’s 2012 and it’s totally okay for girls to ask guys out. I know this. But just because it’s okay for the majority of the girls, does not mean it’s okay for me. If you know anything about me, you know I have very strong convictions about certain things. Asking guys out is one of them. I guess I would like a little respect, though, because I’m tired of people mocking me or trying to make me feel worse and manipulate me. 

“You should just tell him because he’s never going to know that you like him if you don’t.” and “I told you to tell him. You’re just doing this to yourself. You’re not listening.”

I’m pretty sure y’all aren’t listening to me when I say, I am not going to do that and no matter what you say to me won’t change my mind.  (If this were via text messaging, this is where I would say RAGEEE!) And, I mean, if God tells you to wait for something, aren’t you going to wait? No matter how impatient you feel or how many meltdowns you have in between? Because you know at the end of all this, it will be worth it?

So I guess that’s what has been on my mind lately. That and I feel like my word for this year is “bold”. It’s totally not in contradiction to me not being the one to fess up first. I think that this year is about me coming out of my shell. Because my last job kind of forced me to hide back in my shell. It was really hard for me to open up to people and be outgoing when I started working at Disney and I think that with certain things that have happened, I kind of lost my way a little bit. I feel like everything I overcame with my shyness when I worked at Disney was kind of snatched away last year. I’m working on it though. I’m ready to start living my life. I’m ready to go new places and learn new things. Like I said at the beginning of this entry, there’s this big blank book in front of me. I guess I’m almost starting over with a lot of things. I guess that’s why even though January hasn’t been anything like I expected it to be, I know the year will be better than any year so far.

I feel like I’m leaving this without a conclusion, but there really isn’t one to give you right now. But this is where I am at. This is where my heart is aching. And I would really appreciate it if maybe you would pray for me this year.

And I’m working on hanging onto the hope that there is someone for me out there. And maybe I know who that is…maybe I don’t.

Some days, I really just want to give up.

But he’s getting here as fast as he can.

P.S. Neil Patrick Harris is awesomeeee.

P.P.S.  None of those “if you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married” lectures, please. Because I am aware of that and that’s not at all what I am trying to get across.

*images from imdb and tumblr