I Love You Twelve

Still struggling. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t, because every day has been a challenge for me. Every single day, I think I say what Demi is saying in that photo. I was doing a lot better and I think in general I am doing a lot better, but some days are just difficult. I feel like it’s all aftermath of last year. Like it caught up to me or something.

Sunday was particularly bad. I didn’t do anything. Well, my mom helped me go through most of the things in my room. But I was just so sad all day and she kept asking me what was wrong. “I just want to go back to bed. I just want to sleep. I just want to sit in my room and not come out. Ever.” But then she reminds me that I can’t do that. That I need to snap out of it. And that once my job is in full gear I will feel a lot better about things because I will be making people happy and meeting new people. New people, who always present a bit of hope that they won’t turn into everyone else who leaves after they get through whatever it is they used me to help them with and now I am disposable to them. And every once in awhile, my dad’s voice repeats in my mind. The time when he told me that I would make it in life, because I’m a fighter.

So I force myself to be around people. I get immensely frustrated and then I return to my room at the end of the day and try not to cry. Because I feel very unimportant. But it’s not every day that I cry anymore. It’s only sometimes. Twice a week at the most. I think it’s because I know my mom is right…that once I get settled into my new job and meet new people, I will feel a whole lot better. I just have to constantly remind myself that I have a purpose and that disappointments, even as deep as I feel those right now, are nothing in comparison to what God has in store for me. Wonderful things. I just have to keep holding on. I just have to keep fighting.

Sometimes people make it really difficult to keep fighting.

That’s when I know that the stubbornness in which I possess is one of my greatest weapons. It may be a pain to people I’m around on a normal basis, but it’s one of my strongest assets. It’s that drive that keeps me going, because I refuse to give up no matter how hard my struggle is. I know that I will make it through. I know that the God I serve is bigger than any circumstance surrounding me and any feelings of inadequacy I have.

Since I have been feeling this way much longer than I ever imagined that I would, I seem to be soaking in every moment much more intensely than I normally do. That’s pretty intense when you take in account for how I feel intensely normally. I really started noticing it the past week. The ones that really stick out– that I know I can say without a doubt that God placed it before me. His reminders are precious to me, because those times help me get through the really rough days. And while most people are really frustrating me, as well as a lot of circumstances, there still are the genuine people and the genuine moments where I want to cry just because I’m so overwhelmed with being loved on and overwhelmed with the mercy God still sends my way.

+ Sunday my mom and I decided to get out of the house for an hour or so and went to Sam’s Club because she needed a few things. I went to get a soda while she was at the register. I got my Mr. Pibb and turned to go to the counter to get a lid. There was an empty lid container. I was about to say, “Seriously?” when I walked up to it, to see there was one left, hiding in the back. I picked it up and turned to find my mom waiting for me. With a huge grin on my face I said, “There was one left. Just for me, Mom!” She kind of rolled her eyes because I am really ridiculous like that (in fact, I say that every time I get a good parking space somewhere…usually just to myself, though…especially if it’s at Disney…), but then just laughed.

+ I really enjoy my job. I’ve only worked one day so far without a trainer and it was completely nerve wracking. However, it’s a lot of fun to make guests happy. It’s a really awesome feeling to have people come up to me and ask me to take their photo, because my friends always complain when I bring my camera out. It was also nice to have fellow cast members help me out and be willing to stand and talk to me to make me feel less nervous and awkward. It’s nice being welcome like that and to have the encouragement. Not saying I didn’t get that in Fantasyland, because I definitely was always encouraged there, but I was really nervous about starting in a different park in a different department. And everyone has been really nice to me.

+ My friend, Steven, has been really great to talk to the past few weeks. I honestly am so grateful because he’s so silly and makes me laugh a lot. He’s also very encouraging. He was one of maybe three people who remembered without me saying anything and texted me Monday morning to wish me luck and say I would do great on my first day in Photopass. It’s nice being remembered.

+ Martie and I are officially approved for our apartment! 31 days until we move! I got to spend some time with her and her parents last week and everyone is just so pumped about it. I am grateful for the positive energy.

+ I was greatly blessed with an abundance of things that Martie and I will need in our apartment at a garage sale last week. We got two grills, a juicer, two end tables, two lamps, a toaster, and a bunch of really awesome things for under $35. Most of the things have never been used and it pretty much blew my mind away.

+ Yesterday was really nice. I slept in and then I went to the park with the Rebecca, Carly, and Maddy. We sat and talked for an hour. Maddy had to go meet up with a tutor, so Carly and I walked around for a little bit and talked about her plans for college, guys, and The Hunger Games. We then met up with Rebecca and Maddy and had ice cream and donuts and then I went back to their house so I could borrow Catching Fire from Carly and see Asher. Asher has probably grown an entire foot since I saw him last. He’s so funny. I ended up staying for dinner and then I took another walk with Carly before coming home.

+ The Hunger Games has kept my mind busy. I’m a very picky reader. I know I’ve mentioned that before. I haven’t finished a book for I can’t even tell you how long. Years. I tried to get into Pretty Little Liars, but I got bored. I got bored with Harry Potter as well. But The Hunger Games is so well written and the story is really captivating. I will probably write about it more later, because there’s a lot I like about it. Mostly because the main character, Katniss, is so strong and so admirable to me.

+ Abrahm. Tonight I had a moment where I thought I was going to cry and suddenly my phone went off. Abrahm plays the guitar and he usually sends me clips of songs he is working on. I love it. He has such a great gift. I asked him what the song was and he said he wrote it himself. It was so perfect and such a God thing. Music will speak to me more than absolutely anything else. I’m really thankful to have a little brother who is exactly the same way. It seriously feels like he should be blood related because we are ridiculously alike. I’m not sure I have ever met someone who was so much like me. He’s a lot younger, but a lot of the things he goes through, I have been there. I know exactly how he feels in a lot of circumstances. And God uses him greatly to touch my life.

+ Keith never fails to put a smile on my face.

+ Kate and I  have a really great connection. I feel like I have known her forever, even though she lives in Australia.

+ Jessica has been one of the most faithful friends to me. I don’t mention her a lot on here, but she is such a doll and always willing to listen to me when I need it. She’s hopefully moving here with her husband in the fall for the college program. They’re still waiting on the final acceptance letters and what not, but I’m really excited about it because I miss her dearly. Plus, I haven’t met her husband. She deserves major props for all my midnight spazz-out texts.

+ Midnight conversations with Felicia will never get old. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but when we do it’s like nothing absolutely never changed. We pick up where we left off every single time.

+ And Bekah. The girl deserves an award for everything she goes through with me. Everything I put her through.

Thanks once more to everyone who is there. Who doesn’t leave. For all the prayers, because I know there are people praying. I might not know who exactly, but I know I’m being lifted up. I feel it. I also know there are more things and more people who are helping that I didn’t mention (mostly because this is a long entry and I’m falling asleep now as I type…I’m really sorry if you feel you should have been mentioned and I didn’t mention you). I’m really blessed and I know that I am. Thanks to the people who keep me going, even when I’ve hit the bottom.

I’m screaming out your name
Don’t let me fall on my face
I’ve got a busted heart
I’m in need of a change
Yeah, I’m desperate for grace
Hold onto me
Take all of me
Don’t let me lose my way
Hold onto me

*photos found on tumblr