Maybe, I just wanted you to fight for me.

I haven’t slept. Every night I feel like I lose more and more sleep. It’s getting ridiculous. I need a break. But it’s like it’s impossible. I can’t step away from my phone, because there are important things (i.e. babysitting, which is something I am REALLY looking forward to) that I need it for. I can’t step away from Facebook because I need it for the work shift exchange. And I don’t feel like I need to step away from here, because it’s something that keeps me going. So I’m not exactly sure what to do, or what to feel, or what to change.

But I suppose, the good news, is that I cried. Really hard. Finally.

And I prayed even harder.

And I felt better after that.

Because I know that, throughout everything my heart is feeling, that this season is almost over. I just need to make it a little further. I’m almost there. I can see the finish line. Just a bit more to go.

Thank you, from the absolute bottom of my heart, for the few people who are cheering me on and keeping me going.

But I kind of want to be held forever.

And I kind of want to not be disappointed.

Or let down anymore right now.

Because I’m tired of it.

Everyone keeps telling me I look sad.

It’s because I am sad.

But there are those moments where I can’t help but smile. Like in Fantasyland this past week. I had some really awesome guest encounters. Like the guy with autism who was so happy that I took time to have a conversation with him– before I had to leave to go on tea, he kissed my hand and thanked me for talking with him for a little bit. Or when I get to sit with my mom and just talk her ear off. Or when I get a message from Keith or Kate, because it’s so nice to have them in my life. Or when Bekah and I start talking about ridiculous things and I say something that makes no sense. Or when my phone autocorrects to something insane. Or when I’m told twice in two days by two different people that I am lovely and those two different people were guys, because that rarely happens. Or when Abrahm texts me to tell me I better be having a decent day, because he feels like things are going to start looking up. Or when Andrew still gives me a huge hug even when I’m soaking wet from a ten minute Florida monsoon in which I got caught in. Or when I get to hang out with Amanda in her apartment and watch a random movie that we don’t really pay attention to. Or when Tyler Ward makes a new music video.

And when my nephew gives me the biggest, cheesiest grin every single time I step out of my room in the morning.

Those simple moments are helping me get through and mean everything to me.

I keep saying I’m getting better. Because I am. But I’m still feeling pretty down.

Please be patient with me.

I know these entries are annoying to read. However, when it comes down to it, this is my place to express myself. And I intend on looking back on this and smiling– and being able to say that the pain I am feeling currently was worth going through. This will be the last entry like this for awhile, I just needed to get it out tonight.

I know, without a doubt…

Beauty comes from brokenness. Always.

But if you are going to let me down and not be there for me when I need you…or be fake with me: Please feel free to make your exit now. The little mercy and patience that I possess that keeps me from saying stupid things to people is running out. If you don’t believe me, you may ask my mother. You may also ask Bekah (who may or may not receive at least two texts a day in which I may or may not say a swear word out of frustration because I can’t think of any other word to describe that frustration…don’t judge me).

Like a skyscraper…

I’m just a tad bit (more like a colossal amount) overwhelmed right now.

dear sam,
we got this. even when it seems like we don’t have it all together… we do. don’t worry.
-smile

dear sam,
so glad to have met you.
and to be able to make you laugh on crummy days.
and also remind you that you’re not the only one who just talks without a pattern while praying.
glad to give you hope.
-How I Met Your Mother

dear sam,
yeah, it happens.
there’s always that other girl to make you feel inadequate.
don’t let her. and even if you do, don’t give in.
it’ll be worth it someday. promise, promise, promise.
-megara

dear sam,
you’ll find your pixie dust again.
-disney

dear sam,
you know that dream a few weeks ago where you were trying to save that weird
school from being destroyed by that mad man?
it was a fun adventure.
everything from the mermaids under the platform turning into snakes.
and getting ice cream in the cafeteria.
i know you woke up confused.
but that’s not really new.
i thought it was h-i-l-a-r-i-o-us.
sorry for being a jerk in your dream though.
i was having, like, a man period or something.
-dream world joe jonas
p.s. you make cool powerpoints.
remember when you got a 100% on that speech you gave about me in college?
i’m glad my embarrassing fall at the AMA’s got you a good grade.
why did you make a power point of us in your dream anyways? weirdo.
can you not escape?

dear sam,
you should listen to me.
and not do things to creep yourself out.
because. um. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
listen. listen. listen.
don’t take me anywhere right now.
i’m fine where i am.
i’ll try not to hurt about dumb things. promise.
-your heart

dear sam,
welcome home.
-disney world

dear sam,
please remember to stop holding me.
-your breath

dear sam,
please remember that those shoes your sister bought probably hurt.
and they will make you a bajillion feet high.
don’t hurt us.
-your feet

dear sam,
you are allowed to stand up for yourself.
even if you are standing alone.
and those stupid people…are stupid.
-boldness

dear sam,
why is saying “i miss you” so very difficult for you?
it’s not like it’s not the truth.
-your brain and heart…sorry for cornering you

dear sam,
it’s nice seeing you use me a little bit.
-confidence

dear sam,
when you aren’t completely poor…
can you please buy me some of these pretty ribbons?
I promise to cooperate if you do.
-your hair

dear sam,
i hope the puppy that belongs to martie…
the one that will be moving to florida with her and living with you…
is as awesome as stitch.
-lilo

*photos found on tumblr

And the reason for that being this: It’s kind of obnoxious when people are like, “Why would you even apply for that? You like taking photos?!” To which my mind responds with, Well obviously you know nothing about me.

My mom has been trying to talk me into it forever. To the people who are excited for me and have greatly encouraged me…thank you. I start in a few weeks. I also have some work coming up with two little boys named Brady and Garrett, who I will be babysitting whenever I can. So the job stuff is working out. It is definitely a huge relief because I’m moving in a little over a month.

I’m feeling pretty anxious about the PhotoPass thing for the sole reason that I am going to be in Hollywood Studios and not Magic Kingdom. I have worked in Magic Kingdom almost five years so it’s kind of overwhelming to me to make the switch.

It will be good for my sanity, though. New people. New atmosphere. New things to learn. All of which I am in absolute desperate need of.

Next…people are being sketchy. I know it’s the age group.  I’m kind of sick of being in my 20′s. It’s almost as annoying to me as being a teenager. I have six more years to go, though, so I suppose I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with the sketchy.

This all being said, some great things have happened since Valentine’s Day. I’m going to move onto that. The highlight of everything being the little photo shoot I had with Bekah and Jannah on Saturday.

Through everything, these two girls stick around. And they’re never sketchy. Ever. God has shown me what unconditional love is through them.

Bekah literally feels my pain. I’m not sure anyone other than my mom has been able to. If so, no one else has ever told me. She doesn’t always understand why I am hurting, but she always tries her best to be there. When I told her I needed some sort of distraction, she asked what I thought would help for a little bit. I’ve just had way too much time to think. I mentioned I had been wanting to take new photos but no one really knew how to work my camera and I didn’t want to pay to have my photos done when I have a nice camera myself. She and Jannah put a lot of effort and work into this day. But we all had so much fun.

Jannah is quite the photographer. She kind of doesn’t tell people that she is. But she is so amazing at it. She knows how to pose people and how to angle the camera. She’s really great with lighting and everything.

(I was really laughing in those photos, by the way. All Bekah had to say was “popliteal”.)

She is also an absolute doll. I am so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be. I can’t believe she is turning eighteen this year. It kind of blows my mind up, because I’ve known her since she was in middle school.

The second photo in the right column going down is classic Jannah. And the face Bekah is making is classic everyone-else.

Jannah can give you hope in absolutely any situation. It’s hilarious. Her perspective is so fantastic. You pretty much walk away from a conversation with her and think to yourself, “What the heck just happened. I feel absolutely fine with this situation now.”

We walked around for a good while. We kind of tried to stay away from people because there was a car show going on in Downtown Winter Garden and it was slightly awkward when we would go into the crowd to take pictures. Awkward. But funny.

We took a bunch at the fountain. Only one made the cut.

“I can’t see.”

“The sun isn’t even out!”

“It’s too bright!”

“I’ll count down from three for you…”

The sun is not my friend.

Hello, Squinty-Eyes.

I wore the shoes I wear in Fantasyland when I work. I don’t even know why. It was a completely random choice on my part. They’re pretty gross, though, and I probably shouldn’t wear them other than for work…ha.

I’m a big fan of the bicycle photos. I really even like the one where I’m making a face because I wasn’t ready. I just love the colors.

We ate dinner and then we went back to Winter Garden. We walked around for a little bit, but then went over by the lake and just chilled out and talked for a decent hour. The main topic being guys. And mean people. Kind of just what I’ve been going through lately. It was nice to pour my heart out.

I love those photos of Jannah even though they are completely random and you can’t even really see her in two of them. I told her I should use those photos for my book. I just might use them somewhere on my book blog at some point.

I had a really nice day with both of them. It definitely cheered me up. It was really awesome being able to shut my phone off and not worry about anyone or anything else for a few hours.

I know this post is media heavy, but one last thing.

I love love love Katy Perry’s new song, “Part of Me”. As per usual, I don’t really like her version. I prefer Tyler Ward’s.

Shocker?

You shouldn’t be shocked at all.

His has a lot more dimension to it, I think. It’s been on repeat for me the past week. It hit me extremely hard. But I don’t really have anything new to say that I haven’t said before.

I just wanna throw my phone away.
Find out who is really there for me.
You ripped me off.
Your love was cheap.
Was always tearing at the seams.
I fell deep, you let me down.
That was then.
This is now.

It’s a fantastic song and video. I think it’s one of the best ones that Tyler has done and he has done some pretty awesome ones.

If you can’t view the video, click here. (Mom, I’ll email it to you…)

Maybe I will work on a Letters to Me, since I haven’t written any for a very long time. We will see. :)

Goodnight, Friends.

I am taking down pages (you’ll notice that the only two left right now are About and FAQ) and redoing some and retiring some. I’m also retiring my little signature. I’m just tired of it, I suppose.

I’ve kind of been procrastinating changing some things on here for awhile, but the truth is things are changing in my life and I just feel it’s time to change this around a bit as well. I took down my bucket list, but I have it saved somewhere else and I will still add on to it and subtract from it.

Within the next month, I’m going to be cleaning out the blog in a sense– deleting entries that I don’t need and such. I just feel like it’s time to do that since I never have. Maybe I’ll bring back some super old posts or make a really fun one about awesome typos I have made or something. We’ll see.

The “Beauty Is…” page is being taken down as well. I have left it up for two years. It was a very important part of this blog and I still go back to read it, so I am not completely erasing it from here, I’m just moving it to it’s own entry.

In honor of Valentine’s Day and the contest that greatly changed my life in so many ways, here are the entries that were sent in for my Gungor CD contest two years ago. If you have never read it, I hope it touches your heart like it did mine. If you have or if you participated in it– THANK YOU! Because you were a huge part of getting me to The Dove Awards last year…and to concerts I never would have gone to…and you’re a huge reason why I still get CDs in the mail and email. Thank you for being a part of something that was life-changing for me.

Happy Valentine’s Day! :)

Oh! And Audrey Assad’s album, Heart, is available right now! Go get it!

——
In 2010 I had the opportunity to host a CD Giveaway for Gungor. It was a really great experience and all of the entries touched my heart so deeply. Here are all the entries I received for “Beauty Is…”

Rachel Bryce: What is beauty? When I first thought about this question, I thought of flowers, sunshine, music. After thinking about it more thoroughly, I realized that beauty is happiness—in all shapes and forms. I looked online for videos and pictures, and found nothing that fit exactly what I feel is “beauty”. Suddenly, I got to thinking that I have experienced so much of what I consider “beauty” in my own, personal life. The video I found, which I consider beautiful, is one of my family—my mother, MaryJean, my sister, Christen, and my beautiful four-year-old niece, Kelcey (who was not quite 24 months in the video). Our family has been through a lot, but we try to stay strong, and know, deep down, that there have been many blessings throughout this lifetime. This video will always be close to my heart.

_______________________

Eric “Ace” Anderson:

Beauty is…
My best friend is Kallie,
she’s as beautiful as can be..
All throughout history,
friendship’s been no mystery.
When I am with her,
it’s always fun, that’s for sure.
Even if to her, I remain just a friend,
knowing her, I hope will never end.
She’s funny, and she’s sweet,
her personality can’t be beat.
She’s my best friend,
and I’ll care about her until my life’s end.

To Me, Beauty is my best friend.

_______________________

Luke Arsenault: This picture was taken in Vancouver during the Olympics! I think that everything that God creates in the world is beautiful, that is why I feel this picture shows true beauty!

_______________________

Alysse Reynolds:

Skin

Today I stepped out of the shower and began
to towel-dry in the same pattern as each
day before.
Left arm, right arm
right leg, left leg
shoulders downward.
I made half a pass down the left limb
when I discovered my skin wasn’t nearly
as covered in droplets as usual. My skin, freckled sporadically
and milky white, was absorbing the
water, drinking before the fluff so much as
touched it. My body, thirsty for purpose,
was baptizing itself, coveting holy water
for the sheer taste of refreshment.

On a sticky summer day the daylight faded
slowly
and the stars trickled in rivulets through
the velvet blue of the midnight sky.
And dawn, in all her glory, stepped out of
dayclothes and dreamt the constellations,
specks of light that she would towel off
come morning dew’s last moments.

And today, my ankles were not forgotten
in the expanse of refreshed skin.

Now, if you didn’t already, I recommend reading it aloud. The beauty is the liquid sound of the words on the tongue. That’s what I love about poetry: the way it tastes.

The overall idea of this poem for myself was the concept of being content. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt clean, refreshed, and made anew into a person who was beautiful where she often felt uncomfortable. Being content and confident in your our body, as well as being comfortable with yourself in general, is the greatest form of beauty. And I am that girl.

My name is Alysse Reynolds. I’m 21 years old. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life, or where I am going. But I can guarantee that as long as I’m comfortable with myself, everyone around me will be comfortable with me too, and I’ll find my way with confidence and faith.

_______________________

Lindsey Brock: Beauty can have many different meanings. When I think of “Beauty”, I think of Keiko the Killer Whale. Killer Whales are my favorite animals, and I am especially fond of Keiko. He taught the world that anything is possible if you put your heart into it. People from all over the world came together to return him to his natural habitat after spending most of his life in captivity. After moving to Oregon in 1995, trainers worked with him on how to catch live fish and help strengthen his body so he would be able to survive in the wild. From 1998 til his death in 2003, Keiko lived in his natural habitat in the waters of Iceland; He communicated with wild Orcas and swam in the open water. He was home again. Keiko’s story is very powerful and hits my heart everytime. I only wish we can all believe in our dreams and put our hearts into making them come true!

_______________________

Kristen Rupert: Beauty is the heart of South Africa. A nation that was oppressed for so many years has since come out of this persecution to grow a generation with no boundaries. They worship with no hindrance and love with no condition. Their pain and suffering is unimaginable to us as Americans, but their God is the God of impossible. The beauty does not just shine from the gorgeous collage of faces you might encounter, but it shines from deep within. A place that only God knows, and a place you can only feel in your soul. Beauty is 850 African youth all worshipping together in one Spirit and in one Truth… without air conditioning.

I also wrote a song after I got back from Africa. You might like this:

Surprising ways I feel
A thousand miles from home, I see their faces
More familiar than my own
Expectations were left in the air
And I can’t help but judge
I can’t help but know

In humility, I can see
What You want me to be
All of You is all of me

My heart is on the line
Why must I search so hard to find
That still small voice inside my mind
You tell me to rest my soul
But restless feet want to go
Where they dared not tread

In humility, I can see
What You want me to be
All of You is all of me

We are trying to find our place
Like a grain of sand
As it falls through the hourglass
Searching hearts will follow anything
If we promise truth
If we promise grace

In humility, I can see
What You want me to be
All of You is all of me

_______________________

Kelli Scott: Beauty is like a door. Every time someone opens it whatever is on the other side changes. For me my horse is beautiful. She is pure muscle yet elegant in the way she runs. She has the same color as many horses but her personality out shines them all. When i open my door she is there.

_______________________

Rufo Sanchez: To me, beauty is the sunset at Old San Juan, Puerto Rico.

_______________________

Wendell Sones: If you can look at this and say that there isn’t a God then something is wrong. That’s why this is beautiful.

_______________________

Janet Love: Beauty is real. Beauty is something simple, yet magnificent. It is in us. It is all around us.

The wildflowers that surround us daily show us such beauty. All the parts in which God created to make such stunning flowers, from the seeds to the sun and the insects that pollinate them are radiant. How all the pieces fit together to form an extravagant picture of God’s power and majesty is mind-blowing.

Beauty is always there, sometimes in the simplest looking things. Look for it and treasure it.

_______________________

James Saint Juste: Beauty is .. to me is a picture of a person sitting at the top of a cliff staring into the sun as it is coming down.

_______________________

Stephanie Parker: Beauty is life. Everywhere you go, you can find something that inspires you. Whether it be a sunset, or a lake. Maybe a person. Beauty is everywhere, it is life. Beauty is inspiration. Beauty is perception, it is the graceful and ungraceful. It is in everyone and in everything. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

_______________________

John Foarde: Beauty is more than what the world makes it to be. Beauty is more than fashion, more than attraction. Beauty transcends the material. Beauty is love, compassion, selflessness. Beauty is seeing beyond what your eyes see. Beauty is seeing people through God’s eyes. Beauty is the difference between seeing a homeless person on the street and buying that homeless person lunch. Beauty is the difference between feeling sorry for the naked child and giving them your shirt. Beauty is the differnce between saying “I love you” and actually loving them. Beauty is love in action. Beauty is a word, an idea, a thought. It’s description changes from person to person, but it’s essence remains the same. Beauty is love, God is love, God is beauty, we are made in God’s image, we are all beautiful.

_______________________

Katie Taylor: Everything is beautiful. It’s impossible to pick just one thing. Everything was created in the image of our God. People, flowers, sunsets, landscape… they are all beautiful. So, how can I pick one thing that I think is beautiful? I can’t. But, I feel as though memories are beautiful are the most beautiful gift God has given us. This picture is the view from the house I grew up in, and while I didn’t have a picture of all the memories I had of my childhood and that house, this is one beautiful memory I have. I remember walking down the hill through the trees; I remember the storms blowing in across the valley; I remember the beauty of the glistening, untouched snow on the ground and trees. These are all beautiful, and I see God in these memories.

_______________________

Candice Phillips: Beauty is sisterly love.

_______________________

Rebekah Pino: This poem was written over several months in which i had to face many trials, losses and low moments of my life.This poem really expresses true beauty. God created us all beautiful and although we may face storms, and in our heartships we sometime struggle to see how beautiful we truely are. Beauty is…knowing that you have a purpose, that God created you and is with you. Beauty is finding yourself in the mess of this world.

Through it all life must go on
As I struggle and face battles of war,
Confront confusion and the numerous casualties,
Speed through bumps and along the way, get lost on a detour
Embrace unexpected miracle and unbelievable tragedies,
Through it all life must go on,
Through trials of pain and suffering; as I reap and pay,
As I confront complicated circumstances and out of hand situations,
When my paths wind and twist together and I loose my way,
Experiencing highs and lows of pain and joy,
I wonder why life must go on, do I have a say?
When it feels like everything is going to give in, fall, crash and crumble,
When the pain is so excruciating and I’m are ready to give in, fall, crash and crumble,
The reminder of something greater creates a hunger,
To no longer let fear roll over me like thunder,
But to step out and be the change that this world needs greater.
The love I have found in you, shared through you, and experienced because of you,
Through the hardest of trials, still you have brought forth joy,
As I search for life, I slow down and find that it has been here, for its you,
This new knowledge has brought me excitement like a young boy.
You are my life and I don’t deserve you.
Time stands still, yet life continues to pass me by,
Words begin to fail, love overflows, and fear fled,
Never ending joy is makes me feel as if I could fly,
Forgiveness is offered through the blood that was shed,
The pain and suffering inflected upon you for me, but why?

As the pain leaves, no longer will my tears flood my life,
Suddenly I find understanding, relief at last.
The time has come for me to move my pone to the next open space,
In my time of surrender, peace and joy overwhelms me;
Finally the point of contentment in life has arrived, but I must keep moving forward.
This eternal change deep within me,
This new passion I desire,
The ease you’ve given me,
To move on to rise higher,
The desire to achieve life, not just to be.
Simply to live is no longer suffices ,
Simply to breath is too little to ask of me,
Settling for second best, no longer elapses.
To strive and drive farther than the eye can see,
Simply to be your hands and feet, to reach this lost world in need barely meets expectations.
The impossible has lost its reign,
Victory triumphs the strong,
My weakness has become my gain,
Your sword has shown me the life I long.
Through you, my strength, the blind can see and the dead can live again.
So as I face battles and struggles,
Confront confusion and chaos and casualties,
Through the bumps and sharp turns I speed,
Embrace unexpected miracles and unbelievable tragedies,
Through it all life will continue to flourish because I have now found everything I need.

_______________________

Jannah Bentley:

What is beauty?
These were the words said to me,
As I sit here and think what beauty is worlds of possibilities’ come to me,
Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder so a definition simply won’t do,
So it’s not what is beauty but what beauty means to you?
Beauty can be seen anywhere,
In the clouds,
In the sun setting,
In a lake,
Beauty surrounds us so let us intake all the beauty of this marvelous world.
There’s beauty in the air, the soft blowing wind.
Beauty in the bright dancing stars.
Beauty in your friends’.
Beauty can be found anywhere it’s not just one thing,
It’s found in simply everything.
So let your beauty shine,
Let your heart of gold grow,
Let the world know that beauty is found in you.

Happiness is a decision. It’s a decision I have decided to make. Whether that means it will take some time getting to or not, I refuse to be stuck in this madness of blah. You know, things aren’t going that great for me at all at the moment. But something happened on the inside of me the past few days. I’m not entirely sure why. It may have had to do with some big events that took place (one of which was stupid and made me really angry), but as I was walking today and the wind blew, I felt this overwhelming peace. It came and went, but I still felt it.

“Mom, did you pray hard for me today?”

“Yes I did.”

I proceeded in asking Bekah and Abrahm the same question. The answer being yes. And my response being, I knew it. I felt it.

(Huge thanks to them and for anyone else who may have said a prayer for me this week. Because…I was kind of not okay about some stuff. Ha.)

I’m practically unemployed at the moment.

You know. The economy and such. This being the reason I have been working in Fantasyland like a loon.

I’m pretty sure there will be people out there that are thinking, “You never should have left your other job to work as a nanny. You’re stupid.”

But the honest truth is, I don’t think it would have mattered. I honestly and wholeheartedly believe that even if I hadn’t quit that job to work as a nanny…I would still have quit that job anyways. I would still be in this position one way or another. I wasn’t happy there. There was no growth. I learned a lot and it’s honestly a huge help to me now, but it wasn’t where I was supposed to be anymore. That season ended fast.

I know it might sound stupid or immature. I know it does, actually. However, I promised myself as a kid that if I ever hated what I was doing with my life, I would change it. Why? Because life is way too short to be miserable in a job that you have to do. I have always tried my hardest to do the best wherever God places me. I remain true to that as best as I can. Sure sometimes it might take awhile to change, but I still work on changing it.

I have enjoyed working with Shannon’s children. They have been fantastic and I’m sad I won’t have as many stories about them to share anymore because I am not there on a normal basis.

Needless to say, I have a ton of free time at the moment. I kind of just sit in my room and I’m kind of like…well this is boring.

I have a very deep hatred for not working. I am not a lazy person. I pretty much lose my mind if I’m not working. (How can anyone be content being unemployed…I don’t understand.) Another reason for picking up crazy shifts at Disney. I can’t stand sitting around doing nothing. I am so thankful to have that to fall back on. It’s kind of like I’m unemployed but I’m not exactly. It’s funny, because every time I contemplate leaving Florida, something happens and it’s like Disney calls me back. I wasn’t all that thrilled at first.

But something the past week completely changed my perspective. I can’t pinpoint the exact thing, but there were some events that just changed a lot.

I fell asleep on Thursday in a panic about all of this. I woke up from that nap feeling different about the job situation.

My thing is…God has always taken care of me. He’s not just going to forget about me now. Yes, it’s more likely than not a huge problem. However, in every instance in my life God has never abandoned me. (The Prime Example: I almost died when I was born. I should have died when I was born. I am still here.) Pretty sure the God of the universe looks at my “huge” problem as, “Pssh that’s really nothing.” And I’m pretty positive I trust Him. He knows what He’s doing. I don’t. But He does. Kind of makes things a little more exciting.

I’ve mentioned this before: I worked for Donatos Pizza briefly in 2008. Worst job I have ever had. I’m rather positive it will be the worst one I will ever have the rest of my lifetime. I literally felt like I was walking into hell every day. I worked with these extremely crazy guys and I was the only girl there. (Sidenote: I’m scared of knives. Guess who they put on the cutting table because they knew this? Me.) They tried everything to get me to leave. I was given so many crappy jobs because they all basically had a bet going on as to how long I would last. Lots of awkwardness. Lots of me rolling my eyes. They didn’t think I could do it. People don’t exactly take me seriously, which is obnoxious. It’s mostly those people who are stuck up and I’ve learned to deal with that. But I’m extremely stubborn. Extremely. I stuck it out until the day they went out of business. Because I just knew something was going to happen. I had faith.

And then I was in job limbo for a couple months before I got full time in Fantasyland at Disney. That was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

My mom says sometimes that I’m “stupid-stubborn”. It’s true. But, I really think that I was given just the right amount of stupid-stubborn. Mostly. I have my moments. :)

It doesn’t matter how hard I fall. I always pick myself up. And I’m always stronger afterwards. I also always walk away with a really incredible story.

I reevaluated events and choices I have made in my life. I’m so thankful that I can say that I don’t regret anything except a really minor answer to a yes or no question…that wouldn’t have changed the course of anything if I had answered differently. I’m confident of that, which is why I am able to share that. And the only reason I regret that is because I missed out on a really special moment. But I can live with that.

That’s the place I’m at right now. I’m kind of past the place where I’m constantly saying, “What am I supposed to learn from this because I don’t get it?!” Except about one situation. But that’s kind of a nevermind sort of thing right now.

I’m also passed the pity party place. You may all rejoice.

I’m not completely feeling better, because there are some things that are bugging me a lot, but from the place I was at a week or so ago– there’s a big difference in how I am feeling.

There has been an extreme lack of crying on my part though. This is odd. I used to be the girl that cried about everything. I’ll tear up at the most random of times because I get overwhelmed, but I don’t cry. No one notices though, really. It mostly happens in my car. Or when the wind is insane and in my eyes so it looks like they are only tearing up because of the wind. You know. Whatever.

I’m a big supporter of crying. It relieves stress. And I don’t find it weak at all. Just saying. It kind of annoys me that I can’t cry, haha. I feel like the girl in The Holiday or something. I just want to bawl, dangit!

But maybe I’m just saving those tears for happy ones. :)

I was really upset last night about a different situation. I was talking to Abrahm. I don’t know how many times I said, “I don’t know what to do.”

And then he said the simplest, but most profound thing ever.

“But. Maybe. You’re not supposed to do anything. Maybe. You’re just supposed to wait it out.”

I have a really smart little brother.

And since I have so much time to reflect on my life. There are many people and many things that make everything worth while.

+ Bekah is still the best friend I could ever ask for.
+ Andrew still gives the best hugs in the entire world.
+ My mom is still my rock.
+ My nephew is still awesome.
+ Alysse is still a great inspiration to me.
+ Rufo is still my big brother.
+ Abrahm is still my freakishly-identical-personality-must-be-related-somehow little brother.
+ I am still moving out in April. Walk by faith. Not by sight.
+ I am still getting a kitten.
+ I am still getting a laptop so I can start really focusing on Strings.
+ How I Met Your Mother is still on Netflix.
+ I still get into Disney World for free.
+ Keith still writes to me and it makes me smile every single time.
+ Janice is still a very large part of my sanity.
+ Tyler Ward still sings.
+ Kate still blogs and we still exchange comments and emails.
+ And it’s still cold in Florida.

P.S. I’m starting to understand why it’s my year of boldness. I might not have a lot to show for it now…but just wait..because what I have experienced so far, was hilarious.

P.P.S. Photos found on Tumblr.

In the past five days, I have been feeling a lot better. Not up to par and there are definitely still things that I need to figure out and that I’m working on, but I do feel like something was accomplished the past five days and what feels like an uphill battle will be worth climbing. I’ll get there.

Things really haven’t been going my way at all this year. Despite that, I’m getting through it. January was full of disappointments and so far February has been pretty bumpy, but it’s almost over. This year will not kick my butt.

I’ve been working like a crazy person the past week. We will skip most of those details, but I have been picking up shifts in Fantasyland. I wasn’t at all thrilled about this and it literally took three or four shifts to get my spirit to be at all cheerful about being there. My shift on Monday, however, was pretty stinking awesome and I really enjoyed it.

I went with Andrew, Rachel, Rufo, and Wendy to play pool over the weekend. Andrew taught me how to play, because the only time I’ve ever been near a pool table was when I was a kid and my sister and I would just mess around at my uncle’s house. I was ridiculously nervous and I’m sure it was entertaining. I kind of sucked at it, honestly. But I got better as the night went on. I enjoyed it.

It was really nice to spend some time with Rufo outside of Fantasyland. I hate not seeing him and Wendy as much anymore. (Please enjoy Rufo and Andrew’s smile veto in the photo above. Jerks.)

Chelsea was visiting this week, so I spent some time with her yesterday. Disney sells Jake and the Neverland Pirates hats now…love. One of the cuter Disney Junior shows for sure.

Thanks for your prayers and messages and such. It’s all greatly appreciated.

I actually just started taking B12 again. Going to see if it helps me out a bit. I used to take it as a regular vitamin a few years back, but I quit because my PCOS was acting up really bad. It made me feel a lot better when I was taking it, so we will see. Maybe my body just seriously needs that vitamin.

I bought my nephew some cute things at Downtown Disney for Valentine’s Day. It’s not really Valentine’s Day-ish, but I figure, it’s his first one. And I had fun picking things out.

That’s about all I have for right now.

The serious.

one)  I’m struggling. I’ve been an absolute mess the past week. I don’t even know how to explain it. I wish I did, but I can’t. Because, truth is, no matter how depressed I get…there’s always this part of me that just hangs on to hope. And I have to tell you, I have been in so much pain that I can barely look people in the eyes. I can barely walk out of my room without crying. Wednesday I was sick to my stomach I was so upset. It’s ridiculous. And I’m not exactly sure why other than I’m just worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. It honestly takes a great amount of effort for me to get up out of bed every day. But I do. And I’m thankful that I do. I will continue to do that, despite this battle. I’m stubborn. Very stubborn.

I’ve been really disappointed in a lot of people lately as well. I’ve been feeling quite inferior to everyone…and very forgotten. I feel like no one understands it, either. Because either no one notices or no one takes it seriously. Feeling this way is not just something you can turn off because trust me, if I could, I would in a heartbeat.

I am not okay right now. At all. I’m being open about this because I know God is working on me. I know that I will be able to tell you that He saved me from this. But if I seem like I’m a bit off right now, it’s because I am.

When I was sixteen I went into a crazy depression. It was bad. I was actually talking to my mom about it tonight because I almost feel like I’m heading that way again. It’s stupid. I know this. I know I’m loved. I know that even though things aren’t going at all the way I planned them to right now, that everything will work out. And I know that I will fight with this until it goes away. It helps that I’m aware though, I think. I can work on it and fight harder. I know the tools God has given me to use against it. And that’s what I’m going to do. It will go away.

It will. I don’t know when. But it will.

This is why: Because Jesus is enough.

That has been running through my mind and heart on repeat for the past twenty four hours.

I know a lot of people will probably read this and roll their eyes because it sounds completely corny. But I also know that my faith is my foundation. No matter what I’m going through, there isn’t a moment where I could say to you, “Well God sucks and isn’t going to get me through this at all.” Because every single part of me knows that’s a lie. I can never be hopeless. I get really frustrated with things (just like everyone else) and I get really hurt, but I will never be hopeless. So even when I’m giving myself pep talks to get up and shower and go about my day, I am truly thankful for the hope God instilled in me from a very young age. I’m truly thankful that my heart beats. I’m truly thankful for my mom and for Bekah (even though I hate that they legit feel my pain right now…I’m sorry…I’m working on feeling better, I promise). I’m truly thankful for my job. I’m truly thankful for the people who still talk to me even though I’m a huge mess right now.

And the people who have hurt me and lost me unexpectedly…that sucks for them. It’s strange watching people fade away. I guess that’s part of growing up. Some people are for seasons and some are for life. Either way, I learn something. I guess it’s just hard when you can’t differentiate between the seasonal and the lifetime. I’ve watched a lot of people flip-flop the past month and let me just tell you, it hurts. It feels like betrayal. It’s really not. People grow apart. It’s just hard when you’re not expecting it. It’s even harder when you are expecting it and just don’t know when it’s going to actually happen, but you can’t get away because you love that person and you know they serve a very important purpose in your life. Sometimes I just really hate feeling like I never knew someone to begin with.

There’s a reason though. It’s better for them to fade out. It might not seem like it to me right now, but I know God has His reasons. Eventually it will make sense.

Eventually, I will be better.

two)  I got home from work and went outside to sit and talk to my parents. I needed to massively vent, so I did that.

Then my mom said, “Did you hear that Aaron Carter’s sister died?”

To which I responded with, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, it was in the newspaper. I was confused why you weren’t upset and hadn’t said anything. She’s the one that sang right? The one we met at one of Aaron’s concerts?”

I’m totally still in shock about this. I didn’t even know what to say when she told me. Literally a week and a half ago I found my signed Leslie Carter CD and thought, “I should put this on my iTunes!”

(For new readers…I have a really deep love for the Carter family. Everything about them. Even as dysfunctional as they are, they hold a very special part of my heart that pretty much no one understands except God and myself. So this is a really big deal to me. I mention it from time to time. I am aware I am a weirdo, so just deal. I already put up with being harassed about this as a preteen and teenager, so I’m over caring what anyone thinks when it comes to this.)

I’m really sad about it. I’ve even sadder that I never once saw Aaron, Angel, or Nick’s tweets about it. That I didn’t hear about it until today when this happened on Tuesday…

I even listened to one of Aaron’s songs randomly on Tuesday. What is wrong with me?!

I know most people don’t give a crap about this family and that’s fine. I dont mean that to sound harsh or anything, but I know most people don’t take time to pray for “celebrities”. So I get it. But they’re important to me and if you happen to think about them, please say a prayer for them. And please say a really special one for Leslie’s 10 month old little girl, Allysa.

The not-so-serious.

I probably should have put these in the opposite order…the happy before the sad…oh well.

I’ve spent a lot of time with Emmet and Stormy the past three days. Savannah and Stormy just switched schools and it has taken a little longer to get Stormy switched over, so she has been home in the mornings with Emmet and me. It’s been a ton of fun. I love how I am able to just forget everything when I’m working. It’s a nice break.

I have Stormy quotes and a story. Let’s all just face it now…this will probably be happening a lot. I do have a pretty funny Savannah quote as well. I’ve just been with Stormy literally 30-something hours so far this week.

Stormy.

“Come back here, Birdie! I just want you to land on my finger! I just wanna have your hugs!”

“I wanna be a momma! To a bird!”

“You know. Them adults forget EVERYTHING!“

“At least my legs are growing hair!”

We watched Courageous on Tuesday. I hadn’t seen it yet, but Stormy had. She pretty much told me everything that was going to happen because she can’t not tell me. We both sat there and cried. It’s a really fantastic movie, if you get the chance to watch it you should. It reminded me of a lot of things I needed brought back to perspective about guys and relationships. It’s a pretty awesome movie.

On Wednesday, we watched Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. That movie is pretty intense for being a PG-rated movie. It was hilarious, however, because the first mythological creature that attacks Percy comes out of no where. Stormy jumped so bad that she almost flipped off the couch. She then stood up and said, “OH MY GOSH. THAT SCARED ME SO MUCH. WHAT. THE. HECK.” And being the terrible human being that I am, I couldn’t stop laughing. I asked her if she wanted to watch something else and she said no. I asked her how on earth she was scared of that and not the psycho monkeys in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

“Because them monkeys weren’t scary. If you were them monkeys and people were mean to you, you’d go psycho, too! They were cute monkeys.”

Also, is “ass” not considered a bad word anymore? Because definitely they say it in the movie, like, two or three times. This upset little Miss Storm more than the scary mythological creature.

“I’m a whole five years old but I’m still a little kid and I deserve respect so they shouldn’t say that word in a kids movie.”

And the Savannah quote of the week.

]]> http://iloveyoutwelve.com/2012/02/03/the-serious-and-the-not-so-serious/feed/ 6 samanthajclark i miss you carters barney emmet and storm emmet and savannah signature http://iloveyoutwelve.com/2012/01/28/the-overheard-and-some-other-stuff/ http://iloveyoutwelve.com/2012/01/28/the-overheard-and-some-other-stuff/#comments Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:01:37 +0000 Samantha http://iloveyoutwelve.com/?p=3832 ]]>

The overheard.

Stormy (while watching Toddlers & Tiaras): Why are these girls even on this show?! They’re not even pretty! I’m prettier than them! I COULD BE ON A BEAUTY PAGEANT!

Savannah: EW! EMMET! GROSS! YOU JUST PEED ON MY LEG!

Savannah: When we lived in Maryland, Stormy wasn’t born yet.
Stormy: ‘vannah! Stop it!
Savannah: Stormy, you weren’t born yet!
Stormy: Yes, I was!
Savannah: No, you weren’t.
Stormy: ‘vannah! Stop saying I wasn’t born! I was too borned! I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!

Savannah: This pillow smells like someone peed on it.
Stormy: Yeah. I peed on it before.
(FYI, I’m pretty sure she didn’t. This was after the entire argument about being born…haha.)

Savannah: SAMANTHA IS A GOOD BABYSITTER DON’T EVER SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT HER AGAIN!

And some other stuff.

It’s been an extremely stressful and overwhelming week for me. I’m still trying to shake this feeling that I have been dealing with all month, but a few people have confirmed to me that it’s just for this short season. I’m determined. And even though I want to go crawl over in the corner and just sit there and cry, I know there is going to be a breakthrough. I do apologize, though, because I know I haven’t been very cheery lately. It’ll change. Just give me a bit of time. Not much, but just enough. Thanks for sticking this out with me.

I feel like every night I’m losing more and more sleep. I don’t fall asleep until four or five o’clock. I went through my entire timeline on Facebook one night this week. The first comment ever on my wall? MDA Telethon night…talking to Felicia. And getting impatient for 2am to come around so he would perform. If I remember correctly, this was the year that my cable company decided to RERUN THE TELETHON FROM THE BEGINNING at precisely 2am. So who didn’t get to see Gilly sing? Me. Haha.

{Oh…and for those of you who don’t know, Gilly is Billy Gilman. I’ve called him Gilly for as long as I can remember.}

I still need to finish writing my Learning My Heartsong testimony. I’ll get there. Hopefully this year. It’s always on the back of my mind. Maybe I’ll work on it this upcoming week, because the part of the story I’m at was a defining moment in my life and I think I might need to reflect on that right now. But if you haven’t read parts 1-3 of my testimony, you can click on that link and it will take you directly to the three parts that I have posted.

I’ve been having a lot of good hair days. So I have to make sure these are documented and put in the “Sam’s Good Hair Days” file. Because, I’ve been tempted to chop it all off lately. I don’t really want to,though. It just frustrates me sometimes. The process of growing my hair out is really tedious. It does need trimmed, though. I attempted to do my hair like Lindsey Stirling, but it didn’t work at all. I blame the fact that I couldn’t find a comb, though.  And the fact that my layers need cut. And the fact that I still to this day cannot use a bobby pin properly in my hair. So. I may attempt it again.

Do y’all remember those little butterfly clips that were popular in the 90′s? I totally had my own hairstyle that I created with those. I can’t remember how to do it anymore. That’s kind of what Lindsey’s hairstyle reminds me of. Minus the butterfly clips. And the fact she is in her 20s and not, like, twelve. (And that’s the reason why I feel it is totally appropriate for me to try that out on my hair.)

I finally used FaceTime on my phone tonight and talked to Bekah and Dara for a bit. I braided my bangs. Amanda is here on her final Disney College Program, so I went to Menchies with her and Audra. It was fun and really nice to see them, because like I said earlier, I’m still pretty down. People aren’t exactly helping all that much and there have been a few points this week where I just…cried. So the people who always stick around…their company is completely and totally cherished. It is when I’m happy, as well. I am just thankful for my friends who extend their hands and hearts and love on me. I learn more and more as time goes on who is who. Sometimes that revelation is painful, but always for the better. I’m glad for the ones that may argue with me, but don’t budge. And for the ones who are genuine.

I seriously believe that music releases on weeks like this, because God knows I’m going to need it that specific week. I don’t think it’s coincidence at all. I’ve been completely bombarded with new music this week. I received three upcoming albums.. I’m pumped, because I’m going to start reviewing a lot more. I took a pretty long (kind of unannounced) break from it, but Courtney Hyder and everyone at The M Collective have been extremely patient and I appreciate them so much for that.

Christina Garvin posted Britt Nicole’s new lyric video for her new single yesterday. I connected with it immediately. It reminded me of my preteen nights where I would lay in bed and cry and just pray because I was such a misfit. I’ve been feeling a lot like that lately as well. And, you know, for the most part I’m okay with being a misfit. I think it’s just hard when it connects with people showing their true colors. It’s kind of a slap in the face. Kind of like “Hey Sam, you try your hardest to live your life accordingly and be responsible for everything you do, so you are a freak and we don’t want you around.” But, I shook those feelings off a long time ago and I will continue to fight with them until they go away. Sometimes it’s just a battle. Sometimes, I think though, you have to go through battles like that with yourself. Kind of like a wake-up call. Kind of like a reminder to where you have been and how you pulled through it. I was definitely blessed by Britt’s new song. It reminded me of all of that.

Also, seriously. Awesome music week. I have Todd Agnew and Jeremy Horn’s new albums setting on my desk. I haven’t had a chance to look over the info for release dates, but I’ll post about it soon. And in addition to that…

+ Tyler Ward has a new music video for his cover of “Set Fire to the Rain”.
+ Shaun Reynolds has a new music video for his original song, “The Way We Are”.
+ Katy McAllister has a new music video for her original song, “Wanna Believe”.
+ Megan and Liz have a new music video for their original song, “Old School Love”.
+ The Boy & The Bride have a new music video for their cover of “Grow Old With You”. (watch it all the way through because Ashley’s rant at the end of the video is hilarious!)
+ And I discovered this song.

I’ve also been listening to “Rediscover You” by Starfield a lot. It’s still one of my favorite songs. I don’t think I ever listen to it just once. It’s like I can’t. It’s old. But it’s so powerful to me. I end up listening to it at least five times. Every single time.

Also, I meant to mention this a month or so ago. But there was a day in December where I was having a rough time and I randomly searched on the Bible app on my phone and Psalm 119 came up. The longest chapter…ever. But, I noticed something kind of cool. If you read Psalms slowly and just really take in every verse…and pause after every verse…it looks like tweets. You can read it as if he were updating his Twitter account and it totally works. Haha. It’s really awesome. I can’t not do it now. And I feel like I’ve learned a lot because of that. I think King David, if he were alive today, would be completely into the social networking stuff. Especially Twitter. It’s so relevant. He’d have probably the most Twitter followers ever. Just a random thought. :)

I’m on Season 6 of How I Met Your Mother. I’m kind of depressed about this because I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do once I finish. I mean, I have to find Season 7 online somewhere. And I’m really anxious to find out the end of the story. But at the same time, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Craziness. I’ve learned so much from this goofy show though. It’s ridiculous! Yesterday I wrote a letter to Future-Sam. Hah. (Don’t judge me for going directly from talking about King David to How I Met Your Mother. I don’t really even know how that happened in my train of thought. But it did.)

I’m signing off for now, though. If there are typos in this, I apologize. It’s 2:30 in the morning. I’ll fix them later. Until then, feel free to laugh at any and all misspellings and grammatical errors. coughyouknowwhoyouarecough. :)

Goodnight.

P.S. Oh! I almost forgot!

I love this nail polish. This color, too. (Revlon Colorstay 105 Cayenne). I’m working at Disney next week. I’m trying to decide what to do about my nails. Because it makes me so happy…HA! And I don’t want to repaint my nails a different color. Silly Disney Look Guidelines. I probably will, though. I’m going to have to say farewell to my awesome red-orange nail polish for a few days.

P.P.S. Sorry for the massive scatterbrained entry. Also, as always, photos found on Tumblr and We Heart It.

I’ve already listened to this album and I loved it. I actually listened to it with my baby nephew and he was totally psyched about it, as well. It’s a gorgeous collection of songs. More about it later. :)

The lyric video to “Sparrow” was released this past week. I wanted to share it with you. I really love this hymn and I smile every time I listen to it. It calms the turbulence going on in my spirit right now.

Definitely on repeat for this girl right here.

A huge thank you to Keith for also sharing his heart on the matter and for also dedicating an entry to me. Kind of a big deal and totally awesome. It’s so nice to have blogging friends…who actually turn into friends. Big shout out to Kate, who has become one of my friends as well. I want you both to know that I really, really appreciate you, your feedback, and your friendship. I’m so pumped that I am getting to know you both more as time goes on.

Next, I have some photos from the past two-ish weeks.These were all taken on my iphone…simply because I have been too lazy to drag my Nikon everywhere I go lately.

I watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes with Stormy, Savannah, and Jen. Jen and I tried to talk the girls out of it because we didn’t really want to watch it. Anything with any kind of psycho animal in it is no bueno for me. But, it was Stormy’s turn to pick and she just wanted “to watch that monkey movie”. She was really into it, too.

I made it through maybe the first thirty minutes of it. I get scared of weird things. Weird things freak me out. I know I’m a wuss and I’m fine with that. I like suspense. I don’t like knives. And I have this weird thing about people losing their fingers.

If a character loses their finger…I’m done.

A character lost a finger.

I mentally freaked out.

Cannot deal.

It was pretty funny how much I freaked out. And after that I couldn’t even look at the TV so I just laid on the couch and played around on my phone.

There was a part where Stormy jumped so high, her butt was off the couch. To which she giggled and said, “Oh. That scared me!”

I asked her later if the movie freaked her out. Her response was, “No. Them people were really mean to the monkeys so they deserved to die.”

Florida has been pretty chilly the past couple of weeks. I love it. I love being able to wear sweaters and jeans. I love being able to straighten my hair and it not frizz up. I love being able to wear my hair wavy, also, and it not look too disastrous. I love being able to wear the scarf Andrew bought me. I love being able to wear eyeliner and it not smudge all over my eyelids. I love my makeup not melting off my face. I love wearing my hoodies and my jackets with the oversized hoods. It’s just been really nice.

Minus the one night where I could not warm up no matter what I did…which resulted in me sleeping in my jacket with like, three blankets, for most of the night. Jacket hoods are not meant to be pillows. I also didn’t like getting all stuffed up with a cold, but it went away pretty fast.

This is my red hat. It’s my favorite hat. It’s probably the only hat I own…even though I really like hats. I got it back in 2009 on a trip to Ohio. It’s fuzzy and I just really like wearing it. I only get to wear it once or twice a year, but I get really excited when I do. It’s been in the mid-70s as of late so I still am wearing my sweaters, because it gets cold at night.

I had lunch with Alysse a week ago Saturday and we went to see Beauty and the Beast. I’m not going to lie, the only reason I spent $13 to go see it, was because I really wanted to see Tangled Ever After. Totally worth it though. And to be fair, I didn’t remember most of Beauty and the Beast. So I did actually enjoy it. Still not my favorite, but I enjoyed it.

I am really thankful for internet and texting because I’m still pretty much in denial that Alysse is leaving. I think I say that in almost every entry I write so this probably feels like a rerun, but it’s just that, she’s one of my best friends. And we have been through a lot together this past year. Our friendship is strong though so I’m not worried about it falling out or anything like that. I’m just really going to miss someone that I can text and be like, “What are you doing? Let’s go get lunch.” Or, “I’m having a really crappy day. Let’s go meet up.” and vise versa…because no one does that. And literally, when this happens, we spend four or five hours just sitting and talking. I think waiters and waitresses hate us. But Alysse is moving on to incredible things and she has my full support in what she wants to do. She’s so talented and I know she is going to make a big impression on this world– whether or not she is in Florida. She has such a great heart and I am so proud of her!

I had a Miley Cyrus Syndrome moment and dyed my hair. It was looking kind of gross…and orange. I dyed it light amber brown. It came out kind of dark. It was funny, because as my mom was doing my hair, we definitely thought the second bottle of dye was a completely different color. Kind of freaked out about that…but it turns out, it was just different packaging. I really like it this color. It’s lightened up a lot now, though.

I went to Thai Blossom with Bekah which was fun. Winter Garden has a new frozen yogurt place called Jojo. I highly recommend it. Kind of my new favorite place. I took Savannah and Stormy there one day after school and they really liked it as well.

Saturday, Bekah and I went to Ginza. It was my first time eating at a Hibachi restaurant. It was so fun! The guy who cooked our food was hilarious and the family that sat beside us was really sweet.

I really like that my phone has a camera on the front of it. I keep taking photos of myself. I mean, I guess I do that anyways. But now it’s more often. I’ll be all, “Oh my gosh! I look cute today!” *snap*. And then afterwards, I sit there and I’m like…what the heck? Sam, you’re a weirdo.  Weirdo.

But, it really comes in handy when I don’t have anyone to take a photo of me with my friends. Because my friends are so opposed to ghetto tripods, as we call them…and asking people to take our photo. Plus, it’d be kind of weird to ask someone at a gas station to take a photo for you…I mean…who does that?

God is teaching me a whole lot about walking by faith this year and how essential it is. And that’s alright. I’m already seeing how some things are tying into “bold” being my word this year. I just have this feeling that even though January has been kind of rough, it’s almost over. Season transitioning time. It’s weird, but things are going to be alright. I have some things to overcome and I’m working on it. But when it comes down to it, I’m really blessed with a wonderful job and wonderful people…and wonderful opportunities including the rough ones.

I’m just going to keep looking up.

*photos found on tumblr.