This is my farewell to I Love You Twelve.

I’ll try and make it count.

I started writing here the end of 2009. Since then, a lot of wonderful doors have opened up for me. Things I never would have dreamed in a million years– like writing for The Media Collective, attending The Dove Awards as press, interviewing Nicole C. Mullen and so much more. It’s been a crazy journey and I am beyond grateful for every opportunity that has opened up.

But a lot of things are changing for me. By a lot I mean everything. I was actually going to close this blog back in December, but I decided against it because I wasn’t positive.

When I got my email to renew my domain name a few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with an extremely uneasy feeling, because I knew at that moment it was time to end this chapter of my life.

I have always been honest on here when it comes to how I am doing. I have never felt the need to fake it with anyone. So I’m going to be honest.

I’m going through a battle. The past year I have been torn down a lot. And while I have overcome a vast amount of that pain, I am still recovering. People’s words and actions hurt.

But me saying this doesn’t at all mean that those people have won. Because they haven’t. At all, actually. Because here I am. I’m standing. I’m breathing. I’m stronger than I have ever been in my entire life.

It’s been brought to my attention that because I have morals and am generally nice, I am weak. I have been told I’m a pushover. I was told this awhile back, actually, but it has never left my mind. Not because it haunts me…every time it creeps into my mind I roll my eyes. I know otherwise.

I’m not. I’m not weak. I’m not a pushover.

It takes a heck of a lot of  strength to be nice to someone when they are being nasty. It takes a heck of a lot of strength to look someone in the eye, smile, and genuinely wish them well versus cursing them.

And it takes even more strength to take the hits, fall flat on your butt, and get back up while everyone is waiting to throw punches again.

Maybe this kind of strength is overlooked, but it’s a strength that I possess.

I am not weak. I am not ashamed of the fact that God gave me a huge heart with an enormous amount of love. I’m also not ashamed that people and things in life hold true importance to me. I learn and cherish so much, and I am blessed to have meaning in my life.

I need some time away from blogging about my life, though. I am a lot better, but there are things I need to do. There are things I need to work on. I need to settle into my new, amazing job. I need to find my place there. I need to build relationships. I need to work on the relationships that I have right now and take hold of the people I am not willing to lose no matter what the circumstance. I need to write my book. I need to get ready to move out. I need to play my keyboard. I need to take photographs. I need to sing. I need to be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And I need to do it without everyone watching right now. I have a lot to figure out and I am confident that I am going to go far in this life. But I need a break. I need to make sure my mind is sharp and I am paying full attention to certain things, because although the worst is over, the battle I am in has taken a bit of twist. Nothing is going the way I thought it would and I need to make some important decisions. I want to make wise decisions.

I told my mom about a week ago that I had definitely made my decision about closing I Love You Twelve.  Tonight she asked me, “What about Kate and Keith?!”

Kate and Keith. My two dear friends from overseas. Both of them found my page at random and they have been such a joy to me. I know I have mentioned them a lot, but I am so blessed to know both of them. They always bring a smile to my face and they have a very, very special place in my heart. I wouldn’t know them at all if I had never started this blog. They might not know this, but there were times where their comments to me or messages to me on Facebook have completely turned my day around. I want to make sure that they both know how important they are to me and how much their words have wrapped around my heart and comforted me when all I wanted to do was cry. I have gained two wonderful friends and I will definitely still be in touch.

And, also, Alysse has probably commented on almost every single one of my entries since my Gungor contest in 2010. Her friendship the past two years has also meant the world to me. More than I could ever tell you.

I’m not saying I will never blog again. I will still be blogging on Writing in Key. I will still be on Twitter. I just won’t be here. And chances are, somewhere in the future, I will start blogging about my life once again. Just not on WordPress.

I will leave everything up on the site. The pages. The contact info. The entries. The domain will be nonexistent as of April 29th. On that day, the link to access I Love You Twelve will switch to hjellison.wordpress.com and you can read to your heart’s content.

I will leave the Facebook page up until the end of April and then I will probably deactivate it. If you need me, please feel free to comment on here or on Facebook. You can even email me if you want.

Thank you for being a part of my journey the past two-and-almost-a-half years.

Thank you for reading.

I love you twelve.

I love you completely.

-Sam

I keep forgetting what day it is. Every day. I don’t even know how many times a day that I ask what day it is. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not exactly sure how I keep track of what I have to do, either, because I have yet to forget any kind of appointment. So I suppose it’s not a terrible thing not remembering the day, as long as I don’t forget what it is I have to do and who I need to see and whatever.

The day I took those photos with Carly was such a nice day. I love her to pieces and I really, really enjoy talking to her. Please excuse my puffy eyes…it’s hot in Florida now, which means bye-bye eyeliner. I’ll rejoice when it’s winter again and I can wear eye makeup.

I went into One Man’s Dream on Wednesday. I pretty much dragged Angie in it to watch. I guess I could have gone alone, but I really was happy to see her. And it was kind of like my little trip into Walt Disney’s life had to happen right then and couldn’t wait any longer. Because I needed to feel the magic of it. And I did. I also love that poster. It was funny, because as we passed by it, Angie and I both whipped out our phones to capture it without any hesitation at all. It’s such a cute poster.

It was nice to spend time with her, because it’s rare when we get to. We had a lot of fun. We ended up buying two Vinylmation keychains a piece, which was pretty hilarious because we both hate surprises and we both couldn’t even handle not knowing what was in our little boxes. Angie also did the flash mob, which is recorded. It will make it’s way onto my YouTube eventually.

I still look through photos when I can’t sleep. It’s safe to say that this happens almost every night. I came across the top photo. It was taken at IHOP back in 2009 after a long Fantasyland shift. There’s a bunch of those photos…of Andrew making faces. But then I remembered the more recent photo, from the beginning of this year. And I died laughing, because it was so ironic and not on purpose. Of course, I’m kind of smirking in mine, but still!

I babysat Garrett and Brady yesterday. They had a word book on the kitchen table and as they were playing with their trains, I was going through it. I am pretty sure I have looked at this book somewhere else before. Most likely with a different child, because it all was so familiar. Then I saw “wheelbarrow”.

I always thought it was called a wheelbarrell.

Kudos to my ears.

Brady and Garrett love having their photos taken. It’s not a surprise, since their mom is a photographer. I’m really, really enjoying getting to know this family. I feel like the relationship I am building with them is one that will last forever– a lot like the Davises. It’s such a lovely thing and God definitely brought us all together. I might start doing some photography work with Nikki. I’m pretty pumped about that, because it’s a great opportunity and I will learn so much.

Speaking of photography, I am doing pretty swell in my new role at Disney. I still get pretty nervous, but I’m adjusting well and everyone I have met so far in my department has been wonderful.

“But you didn’t know me. We had never even spoken. Besides, it’s the first gift that is always hardest to pay back. I wouldn’t even have been here to do it if you hadn’t helped me then,” I say. “Why did you anyway?”

“Why? You know why.” Peeta says.

I finished The Hunger Games on Tuesday. And that is my favorite part of the entire book. Page 293. It’s probably a strange part to favor, but for some reason, it holds a lot of meaning to me. A lot of meaning.

The books have kept my mind so occupied, which has been a huge help to me. What Suzanne Collins did in the books is incredible, because they have every element that makes a great story– especially with the world the way it is now. There’s so much for every kind of person; something everyone can find to relate to. And for me, there are parts that hold special meanings. I identify with Katniss in many ways, but also with Peeta. A lot of it that hit my heart was right in time. It’s hard to explain. But I think that’s okay, because I think it’s something just for me to know what I am talking about.

I’m ridiculously excited for the movie.

And then this book. I finished it in less than a week. That’s saying a lot for me– the girl who always gets bored halfway through a book. This one, I literally squealed, “WHAAAAAAT!!” out loud.

I have a busy week of work ahead. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m actually prepared this week, too. Because I bought sunscreen. No more worrying about becoming a lobster for me! Here’s hoping.

Still struggling. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t, because every day has been a challenge for me. Every single day, I think I say what Demi is saying in that photo. I was doing a lot better and I think in general I am doing a lot better, but some days are just difficult. I feel like it’s all aftermath of last year. Like it caught up to me or something.

Sunday was particularly bad. I didn’t do anything. Well, my mom helped me go through most of the things in my room. But I was just so sad all day and she kept asking me what was wrong. “I just want to go back to bed. I just want to sleep. I just want to sit in my room and not come out. Ever.” But then she reminds me that I can’t do that. That I need to snap out of it. And that once my job is in full gear I will feel a lot better about things because I will be making people happy and meeting new people. New people, who always present a bit of hope that they won’t turn into everyone else who leaves after they get through whatever it is they used me to help them with and now I am disposable to them. And every once in awhile, my dad’s voice repeats in my mind. The time when he told me that I would make it in life, because I’m a fighter.

So I force myself to be around people. I get immensely frustrated and then I return to my room at the end of the day and try not to cry. Because I feel very unimportant. But it’s not every day that I cry anymore. It’s only sometimes. Twice a week at the most. I think it’s because I know my mom is right…that once I get settled into my new job and meet new people, I will feel a whole lot better. I just have to constantly remind myself that I have a purpose and that disappointments, even as deep as I feel those right now, are nothing in comparison to what God has in store for me. Wonderful things. I just have to keep holding on. I just have to keep fighting.

Sometimes people make it really difficult to keep fighting.

That’s when I know that the stubbornness in which I possess is one of my greatest weapons. It may be a pain to people I’m around on a normal basis, but it’s one of my strongest assets. It’s that drive that keeps me going, because I refuse to give up no matter how hard my struggle is. I know that I will make it through. I know that the God I serve is bigger than any circumstance surrounding me and any feelings of inadequacy I have.

Since I have been feeling this way much longer than I ever imagined that I would, I seem to be soaking in every moment much more intensely than I normally do. That’s pretty intense when you take in account for how I feel intensely normally. I really started noticing it the past week. The ones that really stick out– that I know I can say without a doubt that God placed it before me. His reminders are precious to me, because those times help me get through the really rough days. And while most people are really frustrating me, as well as a lot of circumstances, there still are the genuine people and the genuine moments where I want to cry just because I’m so overwhelmed with being loved on and overwhelmed with the mercy God still sends my way.

+ Sunday my mom and I decided to get out of the house for an hour or so and went to Sam’s Club because she needed a few things. I went to get a soda while she was at the register. I got my Mr. Pibb and turned to go to the counter to get a lid. There was an empty lid container. I was about to say, “Seriously?” when I walked up to it, to see there was one left, hiding in the back. I picked it up and turned to find my mom waiting for me. With a huge grin on my face I said, “There was one left. Just for me, Mom!” She kind of rolled her eyes because I am really ridiculous like that (in fact, I say that every time I get a good parking space somewhere…usually just to myself, though…especially if it’s at Disney…), but then just laughed.

+ I really enjoy my job. I’ve only worked one day so far without a trainer and it was completely nerve wracking. However, it’s a lot of fun to make guests happy. It’s a really awesome feeling to have people come up to me and ask me to take their photo, because my friends always complain when I bring my camera out. It was also nice to have fellow cast members help me out and be willing to stand and talk to me to make me feel less nervous and awkward. It’s nice being welcome like that and to have the encouragement. Not saying I didn’t get that in Fantasyland, because I definitely was always encouraged there, but I was really nervous about starting in a different park in a different department. And everyone has been really nice to me.

+ My friend, Steven, has been really great to talk to the past few weeks. I honestly am so grateful because he’s so silly and makes me laugh a lot. He’s also very encouraging. He was one of maybe three people who remembered without me saying anything and texted me Monday morning to wish me luck and say I would do great on my first day in Photopass. It’s nice being remembered.

+ Martie and I are officially approved for our apartment! 31 days until we move! I got to spend some time with her and her parents last week and everyone is just so pumped about it. I am grateful for the positive energy.

+ I was greatly blessed with an abundance of things that Martie and I will need in our apartment at a garage sale last week. We got two grills, a juicer, two end tables, two lamps, a toaster, and a bunch of really awesome things for under $35. Most of the things have never been used and it pretty much blew my mind away.

+ Yesterday was really nice. I slept in and then I went to the park with the Rebecca, Carly, and Maddy. We sat and talked for an hour. Maddy had to go meet up with a tutor, so Carly and I walked around for a little bit and talked about her plans for college, guys, and The Hunger Games. We then met up with Rebecca and Maddy and had ice cream and donuts and then I went back to their house so I could borrow Catching Fire from Carly and see Asher. Asher has probably grown an entire foot since I saw him last. He’s so funny. I ended up staying for dinner and then I took another walk with Carly before coming home.

+ The Hunger Games has kept my mind busy. I’m a very picky reader. I know I’ve mentioned that before. I haven’t finished a book for I can’t even tell you how long. Years. I tried to get into Pretty Little Liars, but I got bored. I got bored with Harry Potter as well. But The Hunger Games is so well written and the story is really captivating. I will probably write about it more later, because there’s a lot I like about it. Mostly because the main character, Katniss, is so strong and so admirable to me.

+ Abrahm. Tonight I had a moment where I thought I was going to cry and suddenly my phone went off. Abrahm plays the guitar and he usually sends me clips of songs he is working on. I love it. He has such a great gift. I asked him what the song was and he said he wrote it himself. It was so perfect and such a God thing. Music will speak to me more than absolutely anything else. I’m really thankful to have a little brother who is exactly the same way. It seriously feels like he should be blood related because we are ridiculously alike. I’m not sure I have ever met someone who was so much like me. He’s a lot younger, but a lot of the things he goes through, I have been there. I know exactly how he feels in a lot of circumstances. And God uses him greatly to touch my life.

+ Keith never fails to put a smile on my face.

+ Kate and I  have a really great connection. I feel like I have known her forever, even though she lives in Australia.

+ Jessica has been one of the most faithful friends to me. I don’t mention her a lot on here, but she is such a doll and always willing to listen to me when I need it. She’s hopefully moving here with her husband in the fall for the college program. They’re still waiting on the final acceptance letters and what not, but I’m really excited about it because I miss her dearly. Plus, I haven’t met her husband. She deserves major props for all my midnight spazz-out texts.

+ Midnight conversations with Felicia will never get old. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but when we do it’s like nothing absolutely never changed. We pick up where we left off every single time.

+ And Bekah. The girl deserves an award for everything she goes through with me. Everything I put her through.

Thanks once more to everyone who is there. Who doesn’t leave. For all the prayers, because I know there are people praying. I might not know who exactly, but I know I’m being lifted up. I feel it. I also know there are more things and more people who are helping that I didn’t mention (mostly because this is a long entry and I’m falling asleep now as I type…I’m really sorry if you feel you should have been mentioned and I didn’t mention you). I’m really blessed and I know that I am. Thanks to the people who keep me going, even when I’ve hit the bottom.

I’m screaming out your name
Don’t let me fall on my face
I’ve got a busted heart
I’m in need of a change
Yeah, I’m desperate for grace
Hold onto me
Take all of me
Don’t let me lose my way
Hold onto me

*photos found on tumblr

dear sam,
i know you feel like no one is noticing…but you’re really doing fantastic.
keep it up. i’m not going anywhere.
-confidence

dear sam,
it’s okay.
-your heart

dear sam,
i will forever haunt your mind.
me and my worm-like appearance.
alas, i am a dolphin.
that looks like a worm.
created specifically to make you want to gag the rest of you life.
-the rare river dolphin

dear sam,
you are very welcome.
-technology and the friends who actually do this (pretty much makes life happy)

dear sam,
you will always belong here.
and if there ever comes a day where you have to move on, you’re always welcome back.
but don’t let go this time, okay?
because it’s nice to see your smile again.
-Disney World

dear sam,
remember when you were sixteen and you were on jesse mccartney’s message board?
remember how y’all thought it was cool to add “izzle” at the end of everything, because dillon did?
yeah. y’all were so not cool.
just sayin’.
-all the adults that had to moderate that stupid forum
(one of the funnest times of your life, though!)

dear sam,
there are so many big things happening in your life right now!
keep your chin up. embrace the challenges.
don’t forget to smile.
even when it’s hard.
you still got this.
confidence told me to write this to you.
oh yeah! don’t forget to wake me up every day and take me with you.
i’ve been enjoying your company.
-perspective

dear sam,
i told you that all that stuff you went through as a preteen and teenager would help you out someday…
that it would all make sense.
how does it feel to understand a lot of that now? weird? awesome? relief? excitement?
told you so.
-you. and maybe mom, also.

dear sam,
specific.
-confirmation

dear sam,
out of every chick flick girl, i am most like you.
in almost every way.
I know that kind of freaks you out and kind of makes you want to punch a squirrel…
but just remember, it all worked out at the end.
and don’t worry, it’s still alright to relate to fictional characters more than real people.
because sometimes real people smell.
but anyhoo, just remember that you won’t always be the rule.
you will be the exception.
to someone. somewhere.
don’t worry.
-gigi

Some of these might not make sense. Just ignore the ones that don’t.

And for your entertainment, because this amused me way more than it ever should have…

You’re welcome.

*photos all found on tumblr with the exception of the screen cap from He’s Just Not That Into You, (harhar…see what I did there? no? then go watch the movie!) which I found on le  google.

Watching…
+ I’m addicted to Once Upon a Time. I can’t get enough of it. I love the plot and the twists and turns. It’s clever. And as much as I dislike Beauty and the Beast, I absolutely love Belle’s character in this series.
+ How I Met Your Mother. I just go back to certain episodes as I need them. I can’t wait until Season 7 is put on Netflix.
+ Shows and movies I used to watch as a kid such as The Care Bears Movie and Land Before Time III.
+ I want to start watching Modern Family. I somehow got lost in the series, so I’d have to restart.

Listening to…
+ Still a lot of Tyler Ward. Absolutely any chance I get. His cover of “Part of Me” is more likely than not on repeat in my car. It’s helping me get through some yucky stuff.
+ I’ve been slowly pulling out a lot of my Jonas Brothers music. Not sure why.
+ Megan & Liz.
+ Daughty. And it’s not even fall!
+ Michelle Branch
+ Megan Nicole and Tiffany Alvord’s version of “Safe and Sound”. I can’t stand Taylor Swift’s version.

Reading…
+ Like everyone else in the world, The Hunger Games.

Eating…
+ I am enjoying the Artisan Chicken Salad from Sam’s Club. I eat it on a regular basis.
+ Ramen noodles. Code for: Sam is poor.

Writing…
+ Nothing. Ha. Lame, I know. However, I’m hoping to have my laptop by the end of this week. I’ll get so much more done then. You don’t even understand…

Wearing…
+ I bought a pair of green sweatpants from JCPenney back in December. Not sure if I’ve posted a photo of me wearing them but I wear them all the time. I wish I had spent a little more and gotten a few pairs in various colors because they are seriously the most comfortable pants I have ever owned in my life.
+ The DPI costume. Which is super ugly without the snazzy vest. But we won’t get into that, because I have been trying to talk myself into thinking the pants are okay for the past three days. (They aren’t. But we will pretend like I don’t look like I’m wearing inflatable pants or something…just for my sanity, okay?). However, I kind of love the hat. I haven’t decided if I will wear it, though.

Enjoying…
+ Meeting new people and making new friends.
+ Specifically Steven and Jen. I met Steven in Fantasyland when I was picking up shifts like a loon. He was deployed from Animal Kingdom and we immediately hit it off. He’s super fun. I met Jen on my first day of Photopass training on Sunday. She has been in my group the past three days and we have spent a lot of time driving back and forth from Magic Kingdom to training and such. She’s going to be working in Animal Kingdom. I’ve very much enjoyed getting to know both of them and I am really thankful to have them in my life right now.

Realizing…
+ That I can be happy and I can let go of things (and people) that tear me down. I think it’s a realization I have to go through every now and then. Sometimes it’s way harder than other times though. Right now it’s one of the harder ones. But, I’m alright.
+ That I have high expectations of myself and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I expect of myself. I think I have more drive than I give myself credit for. Just wait and see, I will get somewhere in this life.

Trying…
+ To get sleep at night. The past three nights I have completely passed out. That’s an accomplishment, because I have only been sleeping a max of three hours the past two weeks.
+ To have faith that I’m not going to be alone forever…don’t roll your eyes. I wish people understood what it feels like to me, but at the same time I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through it because it, quite simply put, sucks.

Missing…
+ How things were in some areas of my life last year. Because things are changing a few places and I don’t like it.
+ Alysse.

Loving…
+ My nephew. Oh. My. Gosh. He seriously makes me so happy that I don’t know what to do. And his sweet little baby kisses? Absolutely priceless. He is perfect.

Planning…
+ Some things with Strings. So much I need to get done.
+ Moving. So so so much that needs to be done in the next month.

I got this from Becca and Elizabeth. Theirs were slightly different, so I switched it up a bit and used topics from both of their lists.

Letters to me at the end of the week. I might write before then, but we will see.

Goodnight!

Last Saturday, I spent the afternoon with Tanya and James’ girls, Elizabeth and Bella. I haven’t seen them for awhile, but I absolutely love them. They had some free rollerskating passes, so we went skating. I haven’t skated forever. It was hilarious. I’ve never been too great at roller skates anyways. I learned to skate on roller blades…and I was never too fantastic at those either. I had the best time, though. It was honestly one of the best days I have had for awhile. I seriously can’t even explain it. Plus, the girls are a delight to be around. They were cracking me up!

We went to McDonald’s after skating. The playlist that I listen to regularly was on in my car– the majority of which, is Tyler Ward. His version of “Tonight Tonight” came on and Elizabeth exclaimed, “OH MY GOSH. WHAT IS THIS. IS THIS KIDZ BOP?!” I could have died laughing.

There was also, “Sammi, are you a mommy? Are you married? How old are you?!” to which I smiled and said, twenty four. “Oh! Okay! That’s why!“

I worked in Fantasyland after I took them home. I got to tour Cinderella’s Castle Suite, which was awesome. I had seen it before, but it was a nice surprise to top off a fantastic day.

I worked on Sunday and had a pretty lousy day. Nothing particular, it was just one of those days where everything I did and said seemed to be the wrong thing.

Monday I spent some time with Garrett and Brady, who are the two little boys I will be babysitting. Their mom (her name is Nikki and she has a super awesome photography business that you should check out… www.nikkirosa.com)  showed me around the house and explained their allergies and such. I’m really thankful for them. They came into my life at such a perfect time and I really feel comfortable with Nikki. It’s definitely a huge God thing and I think we will all be good for each other. :) I am really looking forward to getting to know them.

Tuesday I got some apartment stuff done (yay!) and then I went to see This Means War with Kelli. I haven’t hung out with her for a long time, so it was great catching up on our lives. We ate at Wolfgang Puck Express in Downtown Disney and then walked around until it was time for the movie. It was such a cute movie! It’ll probably be added to my snazzy little DVD collection when it is released on DVD. Definitely a chick flick, but definitely an entertaining one.

I always get asked if I’m from Puerto Rico because of my keychain. Or, if you are the awkward employee at AMC you say, “Are you Puerto Rican?! Because, you know, you can be white and be Puerto Rican! There’s all colors there!” Hilarious. I get so many compliments on that keychain. For those who don’t know, my friend, Angel, gave that to me a few years ago.

I bought my first (and hopefully last) Vinylmation on Tuesday. It was kind of awesome to get a mystery one. Kelli got the one she wanted and the one I got I was happy about. I haven’t decided if it’s a snake or a lizard yet. However, I find it extremely ironic that I got a reptile. It holds meaning to me, but that’s just for me to know right now. Maybe I’ll blog about it in the future.

Wednesday I went to Magic Kingdom around 7pm for One More Disney Day. Magic Kingdom was open 24 hours for Leap Day. I met up with Janice and her mom and we ate dinner and then walked around a lot. We went on a few rides, but the lines were insane so we spent a lot of time people watching. I visited Steven and Rachel in Fantasyland and then Janice and I went to the dance party in front of the castle. I had so much fun. Janice and I laughed a lot. We also had the best experience at the Laugh Floor possible. Both of us needed it and I am so glad that I got to have that experience with her. She left before I did, but I stayed in the park until about 4:30am because I was waiting for The Haunted Mansion line to go down. I rode that and then went home.

I had a moment in front of the castle where I almost cried. It’s because Disney has been the greatest thing I have ever been a part of. I don’t think anyone realizes how important and how much of an impact. I am so blessed to be back there. I feel like I belong when I’m there and it’s pretty much the only place I have found where I feel that way.

Thursday I worked in Fantasyland. It was my “last” shift. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever have a last shift in Fantasyland. Such a huge part of my heart belongs there, so I will most likely be picking up shifts here and there. I’ve also made some friends who are in the college program this term, so I’m not quite ready to say goodbye to them. I didn’t really treat it as my last day at all. It’s completely different than when I was leaving to go to Marriott. Because I think now I realize that I really am where I need to be and that I’m not going anywhere any time soon.

Yesterday I went to Epcot with Andrew, Rachel, and Rachel’s mom. It was Rachel’s last day in Orlando. We ate dinner in China and did a few rides before watching the fireworks.

Today I went to return my Fantasyland costumes and then Bekah, Jannah, and I went to get our hair cut. WAY overdue for me. My hair was a disaster. It’s a little shorter, but it’s practically the same. We ate at Chipotle for dinner and then I came home and spent the rest of the day hanging out with my nephew. I also printed some photos at Walmart and I bought The Hunger Games to read. I figure it will keep me occupied on sleepless nights.

Speaking of which, I haven’t been sleeping well whatsoever. If I get four hours of sleep I am lucky. I have been watching old cartoons on Netflix. Last night I watched The Land Before Time III. I love how it’s one of the few from the series on Netflix, because it was definitely always the favorite for my sister and me. We used to have it memorized from beginning to end and we would spend hours acting and singing the entire movie out. It drove our mom insane. I was highly entertained watching it at 2 in the am. Mostly because I remembered so much of it.

This part. Right here. I busted into laughter because one time, we were acting out the part where Hip gets stuck in a tar pit. My sister and I always had about a bajillion roles when we played out this movie due to the fact that there are 20934820348 (yes, that many) characters and only two of us.

Anyways, my sister (who was, like, Hip and Little Foot all at the same time) suddenly exclaimed, “It’s Hip! He’s stuck in his ARM PIT.”

Never gonna live it down. Ever. :)

Did I mention that I finished all six seasons of How I Met Your Mother? I was so sad. I’m probably going to just start watching the episodes over again. My backup plan is to watch all the seasons of Hey, Arnold! on Netflix. It’ll probably happen. I also noticed One Tree Hill is on there. I wouldn’t mind reliving either of those shows.

I have my first day of Photopass training tomorrow! It’s going to be an amazing new adventure!

Also, I love love love Nick Jonas’ version of “Haven’t Met You Yet”. I like the original, but there’s just something about the people I truly love that when they remake these songs it causes me to enjoy their versions much more than I ever enjoyed the originals. I think it’s a heart issue, and I’m totally cool with that. I honestly knew almost every song they played at the skating rink last weekend solely because of Tyler Ward. Ha!

Happy Weekend!

I have so much to get done. I haven’t even started organizing things. I don’t even know where to start.

Here are some things I like though. (Click the photos for the product links.)

I just logged into Pinterest for the first time in months. Most of these are from Etsy, though. I don’t have patience for Pinterest.

I dream big. I can’t afford half this stuff. But wish lists are nice, anyways. Plus, I’m a girl…so I do think about these things, even if it is unpractical.

I have an issue with clocks. I love them. And the older I get… my issue with clocks gets worse. I’ll try not to post too many of them, though…because there’s a huge amount of clocks that I like. I’ll give you. Two.

I have a color theme picked out for my room. But I’m not telling yet. :) It may change, anyways. I’m still playing with themes in my mind and honestly, it’ll probably take me forever to decorate anyways. It’s fun to look though…it’s a great distraction for me. I’m not sure what style I would consider myself liking, anyways. Would these be considered modern/vintage?  I don’t even know. I’m seriously challenged when it comes to style and decorating. So all of these probably clash and what not. Oh well.

I’m obsessed with nautical things as well, but I will spare you.

1.

This will be the first thing I purchase when I have a decent paycheck.
There is an entire series of these, which I probably will end up getting all of them at some point…
But this one is necessary.
It needs to be somewhere in my apartment.
I’m sure it would clash with everything else I am posting here, but whatever.

2.

3.

LOVE.

4.

This one is $124.
Definitely not happening. Ha.
But it’s so nice to look at.

5.

I love how Mason Jar lamps look.
Not sure if I would ever get them though.

6.

7.

10 and 5.
1 and 15.

8.

Love these.
If I ever got one, since they are custom made…I have the perfect quote picked out.
But, for right now, that’s just for me to know.

9.

I couldn’t find a photo I liked, but I would like a fabric bulletin board.
Because, I have two bulletin boards in my room now.
And they are very important to me.
But, when I move I’ll need to consolidate and switch to one…which means I have to redo it.
I just have a generic ugly brown one.
Martie is crafty though, so she might have some ideas on what to do with that.

10.

This isn’t decorating…but I want a waffle maker.

And a George Foreman grill.

That’s all for now.

I should probably worry about the important stuff…like getting, you know, a vacuum cleaner. And toilet cleaner.

But this was fun anyways. :)

Maybe, I just wanted you to fight for me.

I haven’t slept. Every night I feel like I lose more and more sleep. It’s getting ridiculous. I need a break. But it’s like it’s impossible. I can’t step away from my phone, because there are important things (i.e. babysitting, which is something I am REALLY looking forward to) that I need it for. I can’t step away from Facebook because I need it for the work shift exchange. And I don’t feel like I need to step away from here, because it’s something that keeps me going. So I’m not exactly sure what to do, or what to feel, or what to change.

But I suppose, the good news, is that I cried. Really hard. Finally.

And I prayed even harder.

And I felt better after that.

Because I know that, throughout everything my heart is feeling, that this season is almost over. I just need to make it a little further. I’m almost there. I can see the finish line. Just a bit more to go.

Thank you, from the absolute bottom of my heart, for the few people who are cheering me on and keeping me going.

But I kind of want to be held forever.

And I kind of want to not be disappointed.

Or let down anymore right now.

Because I’m tired of it.

Everyone keeps telling me I look sad.

It’s because I am sad.

But there are those moments where I can’t help but smile. Like in Fantasyland this past week. I had some really awesome guest encounters. Like the guy with autism who was so happy that I took time to have a conversation with him– before I had to leave to go on tea, he kissed my hand and thanked me for talking with him for a little bit. Or when I get to sit with my mom and just talk her ear off. Or when I get a message from Keith or Kate, because it’s so nice to have them in my life. Or when Bekah and I start talking about ridiculous things and I say something that makes no sense. Or when my phone autocorrects to something insane. Or when I’m told twice in two days by two different people that I am lovely and those two different people were guys, because that rarely happens. Or when Abrahm texts me to tell me I better be having a decent day, because he feels like things are going to start looking up. Or when Andrew still gives me a huge hug even when I’m soaking wet from a ten minute Florida monsoon in which I got caught in. Or when I get to hang out with Amanda in her apartment and watch a random movie that we don’t really pay attention to. Or when Tyler Ward makes a new music video.

And when my nephew gives me the biggest, cheesiest grin every single time I step out of my room in the morning.

Those simple moments are helping me get through and mean everything to me.

I keep saying I’m getting better. Because I am. But I’m still feeling pretty down.

Please be patient with me.

I know these entries are annoying to read. However, when it comes down to it, this is my place to express myself. And I intend on looking back on this and smiling– and being able to say that the pain I am feeling currently was worth going through. This will be the last entry like this for awhile, I just needed to get it out tonight.

I know, without a doubt…

Beauty comes from brokenness. Always.

But if you are going to let me down and not be there for me when I need you…or be fake with me: Please feel free to make your exit now. The little mercy and patience that I possess that keeps me from saying stupid things to people is running out. If you don’t believe me, you may ask my mother. You may also ask Bekah (who may or may not receive at least two texts a day in which I may or may not say a swear word out of frustration because I can’t think of any other word to describe that frustration…don’t judge me).

Like a skyscraper…

I’m just a tad bit (more like a colossal amount) overwhelmed right now.

dear sam,
we got this. even when it seems like we don’t have it all together… we do. don’t worry.
-smile

dear sam,
so glad to have met you.
and to be able to make you laugh on crummy days.
and also remind you that you’re not the only one who just talks without a pattern while praying.
glad to give you hope.
-How I Met Your Mother

dear sam,
yeah, it happens.
there’s always that other girl to make you feel inadequate.
don’t let her. and even if you do, don’t give in.
it’ll be worth it someday. promise, promise, promise.
-megara

dear sam,
you’ll find your pixie dust again.
-disney

dear sam,
you know that dream a few weeks ago where you were trying to save that weird
school from being destroyed by that mad man?
it was a fun adventure.
everything from the mermaids under the platform turning into snakes.
and getting ice cream in the cafeteria.
i know you woke up confused.
but that’s not really new.
i thought it was h-i-l-a-r-i-o-us.
sorry for being a jerk in your dream though.
i was having, like, a man period or something.
-dream world joe jonas
p.s. you make cool powerpoints.
remember when you got a 100% on that speech you gave about me in college?
i’m glad my embarrassing fall at the AMA’s got you a good grade.
why did you make a power point of us in your dream anyways? weirdo.
can you not escape?

dear sam,
you should listen to me.
and not do things to creep yourself out.
because. um. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
listen. listen. listen.
don’t take me anywhere right now.
i’m fine where i am.
i’ll try not to hurt about dumb things. promise.
-your heart

dear sam,
welcome home.
-disney world

dear sam,
please remember to stop holding me.
-your breath

dear sam,
please remember that those shoes your sister bought probably hurt.
and they will make you a bajillion feet high.
don’t hurt us.
-your feet

dear sam,
you are allowed to stand up for yourself.
even if you are standing alone.
and those stupid people…are stupid.
-boldness

dear sam,
why is saying “i miss you” so very difficult for you?
it’s not like it’s not the truth.
-your brain and heart…sorry for cornering you

dear sam,
it’s nice seeing you use me a little bit.
-confidence

dear sam,
when you aren’t completely poor…
can you please buy me some of these pretty ribbons?
I promise to cooperate if you do.
-your hair

dear sam,
i hope the puppy that belongs to martie…
the one that will be moving to florida with her and living with you…
is as awesome as stitch.
-lilo

*photos found on tumblr

And the reason for that being this: It’s kind of obnoxious when people are like, “Why would you even apply for that? You like taking photos?!” To which my mind responds with, Well obviously you know nothing about me.

My mom has been trying to talk me into it forever. To the people who are excited for me and have greatly encouraged me…thank you. I start in a few weeks. I also have some work coming up with two little boys named Brady and Garrett, who I will be babysitting whenever I can. So the job stuff is working out. It is definitely a huge relief because I’m moving in a little over a month.

I’m feeling pretty anxious about the PhotoPass thing for the sole reason that I am going to be in Hollywood Studios and not Magic Kingdom. I have worked in Magic Kingdom almost five years so it’s kind of overwhelming to me to make the switch.

It will be good for my sanity, though. New people. New atmosphere. New things to learn. All of which I am in absolute desperate need of.

Next…people are being sketchy. I know it’s the age group.  I’m kind of sick of being in my 20′s. It’s almost as annoying to me as being a teenager. I have six more years to go, though, so I suppose I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with the sketchy.

This all being said, some great things have happened since Valentine’s Day. I’m going to move onto that. The highlight of everything being the little photo shoot I had with Bekah and Jannah on Saturday.

Through everything, these two girls stick around. And they’re never sketchy. Ever. God has shown me what unconditional love is through them.

Bekah literally feels my pain. I’m not sure anyone other than my mom has been able to. If so, no one else has ever told me. She doesn’t always understand why I am hurting, but she always tries her best to be there. When I told her I needed some sort of distraction, she asked what I thought would help for a little bit. I’ve just had way too much time to think. I mentioned I had been wanting to take new photos but no one really knew how to work my camera and I didn’t want to pay to have my photos done when I have a nice camera myself. She and Jannah put a lot of effort and work into this day. But we all had so much fun.

Jannah is quite the photographer. She kind of doesn’t tell people that she is. But she is so amazing at it. She knows how to pose people and how to angle the camera. She’s really great with lighting and everything.

(I was really laughing in those photos, by the way. All Bekah had to say was “popliteal”.)

She is also an absolute doll. I am so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be. I can’t believe she is turning eighteen this year. It kind of blows my mind up, because I’ve known her since she was in middle school.

The second photo in the right column going down is classic Jannah. And the face Bekah is making is classic everyone-else.

Jannah can give you hope in absolutely any situation. It’s hilarious. Her perspective is so fantastic. You pretty much walk away from a conversation with her and think to yourself, “What the heck just happened. I feel absolutely fine with this situation now.”

We walked around for a good while. We kind of tried to stay away from people because there was a car show going on in Downtown Winter Garden and it was slightly awkward when we would go into the crowd to take pictures. Awkward. But funny.

We took a bunch at the fountain. Only one made the cut.

“I can’t see.”

“The sun isn’t even out!”

“It’s too bright!”

“I’ll count down from three for you…”

The sun is not my friend.

Hello, Squinty-Eyes.

I wore the shoes I wear in Fantasyland when I work. I don’t even know why. It was a completely random choice on my part. They’re pretty gross, though, and I probably shouldn’t wear them other than for work…ha.

I’m a big fan of the bicycle photos. I really even like the one where I’m making a face because I wasn’t ready. I just love the colors.

We ate dinner and then we went back to Winter Garden. We walked around for a little bit, but then went over by the lake and just chilled out and talked for a decent hour. The main topic being guys. And mean people. Kind of just what I’ve been going through lately. It was nice to pour my heart out.

I love those photos of Jannah even though they are completely random and you can’t even really see her in two of them. I told her I should use those photos for my book. I just might use them somewhere on my book blog at some point.

I had a really nice day with both of them. It definitely cheered me up. It was really awesome being able to shut my phone off and not worry about anyone or anything else for a few hours.

I know this post is media heavy, but one last thing.

I love love love Katy Perry’s new song, “Part of Me”. As per usual, I don’t really like her version. I prefer Tyler Ward’s.

Shocker?

You shouldn’t be shocked at all.

His has a lot more dimension to it, I think. It’s been on repeat for me the past week. It hit me extremely hard. But I don’t really have anything new to say that I haven’t said before.

I just wanna throw my phone away.
Find out who is really there for me.
You ripped me off.
Your love was cheap.
Was always tearing at the seams.
I fell deep, you let me down.
That was then.
This is now.

It’s a fantastic song and video. I think it’s one of the best ones that Tyler has done and he has done some pretty awesome ones.

If you can’t view the video, click here. (Mom, I’ll email it to you…)

Maybe I will work on a Letters to Me, since I haven’t written any for a very long time. We will see. :)

Goodnight, Friends.