I Love You Twelve

This has been on it’s way for awhile now. I’m not really sure who saw it coming and who didn’t.

This is my farewell to I Love You Twelve.

I’ll try and make it count.

I started writing here the end of 2009. Since then, a lot of wonderful doors have opened up for me. Things I never would have dreamed in a million years– like writing for The Media Collective, attending The Dove Awards as press, interviewing Nicole C. Mullen and so much more. It’s been a crazy journey and I am beyond grateful for every opportunity that has opened up.

But a lot of things are changing for me. By a lot I mean everything. I was actually going to close this blog back in December, but I decided against it because I wasn’t positive.

When I got my email to renew my domain name a few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with an extremely uneasy feeling, because I knew at that moment it was time to end this chapter of my life.

I have always been honest on here when it comes to how I am doing. I have never felt the need to fake it with anyone. So I’m going to be honest.

I’m going through a battle. The past year I have been torn down a lot. And while I have overcome a vast amount of that pain, I am still recovering. People’s words and actions hurt.

But me saying this doesn’t at all mean that those people have won. Because they haven’t. At all, actually. Because here I am. I’m standing. I’m breathing. I’m stronger than I have ever been in my entire life.

It’s been brought to my attention that because I have morals and am generally nice, I am weak. I have been told I’m a pushover. I was told this awhile back, actually, but it has never left my mind. Not because it haunts me…every time it creeps into my mind I roll my eyes. I know otherwise.

I’m not. I’m not weak. I’m not a pushover.

It takes a heck of a lot of  strength to be nice to someone when they are being nasty. It takes a heck of a lot of strength to look someone in the eye, smile, and genuinely wish them well versus cursing them.

And it takes even more strength to take the hits, fall flat on your butt, and get back up while everyone is waiting to throw punches again.

Maybe this kind of strength is overlooked, but it’s a strength that I possess.

I am not weak. I am not ashamed of the fact that God gave me a huge heart with an enormous amount of love. I’m also not ashamed that people and things in life hold true importance to me. I learn and cherish so much, and I am blessed to have meaning in my life.

I need some time away from blogging about my life, though. I am a lot better, but there are things I need to do. There are things I need to work on. I need to settle into my new, amazing job. I need to find my place there. I need to build relationships. I need to work on the relationships that I have right now and take hold of the people I am not willing to lose no matter what the circumstance. I need to write my book. I need to get ready to move out. I need to play my keyboard. I need to take photographs. I need to sing. I need to be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And I need to do it without everyone watching right now. I have a lot to figure out and I am confident that I am going to go far in this life. But I need a break. I need to make sure my mind is sharp and I am paying full attention to certain things, because although the worst is over, the battle I am in has taken a bit of twist. Nothing is going the way I thought it would and I need to make some important decisions. I want to make wise decisions.

I told my mom about a week ago that I had definitely made my decision about closing I Love You Twelve.  Tonight she asked me, “What about Kate and Keith?!”

Kate and Keith. My two dear friends from overseas. Both of them found my page at random and they have been such a joy to me. I know I have mentioned them a lot, but I am so blessed to know both of them. They always bring a smile to my face and they have a very, very special place in my heart. I wouldn’t know them at all if I had never started this blog. They might not know this, but there were times where their comments to me or messages to me on Facebook have completely turned my day around. I want to make sure that they both know how important they are to me and how much their words have wrapped around my heart and comforted me when all I wanted to do was cry. I have gained two wonderful friends and I will definitely still be in touch.

And, also, Alysse has probably commented on almost every single one of my entries since my Gungor contest in 2010. Her friendship the past two years has also meant the world to me. More than I could ever tell you.

I’m not saying I will never blog again. I will still be blogging on Writing in Key. I will still be on Twitter. I just won’t be here. And chances are, somewhere in the future, I will start blogging about my life once again. Just not on WordPress.

I will leave everything up on the site. The pages. The contact info. The entries. The domain will be nonexistent as of April 29th. On that day, the link to access I Love You Twelve will switch to hjellison.wordpress.com and you can read to your heart’s content.

I will leave the Facebook page up until the end of April and then I will probably deactivate it. If you need me, please feel free to comment on here or on Facebook. You can even email me if you want.

Thank you for being a part of my journey the past two-and-almost-a-half years.

Thank you for reading.

I love you twelve.

I love you completely.

-Sam