I Love You Twelve

Maybe, I just wanted you to fight for me.

I haven’t slept. Every night I feel like I lose more and more sleep. It’s getting ridiculous. I need a break. But it’s like it’s impossible. I can’t step away from my phone, because there are important things (i.e. babysitting, which is something I am REALLY looking forward to) that I need it for. I can’t step away from Facebook because I need it for the work shift exchange. And I don’t feel like I need to step away from here, because it’s something that keeps me going. So I’m not exactly sure what to do, or what to feel, or what to change.

But I suppose, the good news, is that I cried. Really hard. Finally.

And I prayed even harder.

And I felt better after that.

Because I know that, throughout everything my heart is feeling, that this season is almost over. I just need to make it a little further. I’m almost there. I can see the finish line. Just a bit more to go.

Thank you, from the absolute bottom of my heart, for the few people who are cheering me on and keeping me going.

But I kind of want to be held forever.

And I kind of want to not be disappointed.

Or let down anymore right now.

Because I’m tired of it.

Everyone keeps telling me I look sad.

It’s because I am sad.

But there are those moments where I can’t help but smile. Like in Fantasyland this past week. I had some really awesome guest encounters. Like the guy with autism who was so happy that I took time to have a conversation with him– before I had to leave to go on tea, he kissed my hand and thanked me for talking with him for a little bit. Or when I get to sit with my mom and just talk her ear off. Or when I get a message from Keith or Kate, because it’s so nice to have them in my life. Or when Bekah and I start talking about ridiculous things and I say something that makes no sense. Or when my phone autocorrects to something insane. Or when I’m told twice in two days by two different people that I am lovely and those two different people were guys, because that rarely happens. Or when Abrahm texts me to tell me I better be having a decent day, because he feels like things are going to start looking up. Or when Andrew still gives me a huge hug even when I’m soaking wet from a ten minute Florida monsoon in which I got caught in. Or when I get to hang out with Amanda in her apartment and watch a random movie that we don’t really pay attention to. Or when Tyler Ward makes a new music video.

And when my nephew gives me the biggest, cheesiest grin every single time I step out of my room in the morning.

Those simple moments are helping me get through and mean everything to me.

I keep saying I’m getting better. Because I am. But I’m still feeling pretty down.

Please be patient with me.

I know these entries are annoying to read. However, when it comes down to it, this is my place to express myself. And I intend on looking back on this and smiling– and being able to say that the pain I am feeling currently was worth going through. This will be the last entry like this for awhile, I just needed to get it out tonight.

I know, without a doubt…

Beauty comes from brokenness. Always.

But if you are going to let me down and not be there for me when I need you…or be fake with me: Please feel free to make your exit now. The little mercy and patience that I possess that keeps me from saying stupid things to people is running out. If you don’t believe me, you may ask my mother. You may also ask Bekah (who may or may not receive at least two texts a day in which I may or may not say a swear word out of frustration because I can’t think of any other word to describe that frustration…don’t judge me).

Like a skyscraper…

I’m just a tad bit (more like a colossal amount) overwhelmed right now.